“I Resent My Affair Partner”: The Truth Behind Your Hurt
“As much as I love him, I resent my affair partner too.”
Are those words familiar? Even though you can’t stop thinking about your AP, you might also feel anger, frustration—or even rage—towards him. But where do these feelings of resentment come from, and perhaps more importantly, what can you do about them?
Resentment is a multilayered emotion—it’s actually a mixture of disappointment, disgust, and anger. All these emotions, although uncomfortable to feel, are healthy and valid for the experience you are going through.
If you feel like you’ve given your all into this relationship with a married man and you feel let down time and time again, then it’s possible that resentment has been bubbling underneath the surface for quite some time.
Keep reading to discover the truth behind your hurt, including where your resentment comes from, how you can let it go, and what it looks like for you to move forward with peace.
“Why Do I Resent My Affair Partner?”
Before we dive into where your discontentment stems from, it’s essential to acknowledge that resentment is a natural and valid response to the complexities of an affair relationship. You have poured every emotion into your AP, and you’ve invested your heart, body, and entire self into what could be.
So when you start to feel like you haven’t been getting the same in return, and you wonder if that is ever going to change, it only makes sense that your frustration would build.
You’ve had to keep your relationship secret.
When you’re deeply falling for someone, it’s difficult to keep that excitement under wraps—even if your connection is with a married man. The deeper your affair relationship gets, the more you start living a double life, as you continue hiding what’s happening between you and your AP.
This experience can be even more painful when all you really want is to be out in the open—but he can’t or won’t.
He talks about your future together and how great it’s going to be, but he also has excuses for keeping your relationship a secret. As much as you want to move forward and be together publicly, it seems like he may never be ready… and that’s painful to come to terms with.
Remember that more than likely, when you find the right person, you won’t have to hide it. You deserve a partner that can’t wait to introduce you to the meaningful people in their lives and make memories out in the open with you.
You’re not the first priority.
Feel like you’re often in second place? So many other women have felt this way. For your AP, his wife is always his first priority. If he has kids, you may find yourself even further down the line of importance.
Now don’t get me wrong: You may feel his love and devotion strongly for you, and in one aspect you do feel like you’re his number one. Although you can depend on him sometimes, he’s not always there when you need him… especially if his family needs him first.
Am I really as important to him as he tells me I am?
Will my affair partner leave his wife for me (like he said he would)?
Am I ever going to be his number one?
When you’ve been left undervalued and pushed aside, especially in those moments when you need him the most, it leaves you feeling angry.
Many women in affairs with married men feel bitter because they’ve dropped what’s important to them to be at the beck and call of their AP, so if you’re feeling this too you’re not alone.
“I often confront him with, ‘You don’t love me enough, because if you did, you’d leave.’ His response: ‘I’m sorry, I’m a coward. I just can’t do it. I can’t risk losing my children and everything else.” — Woman’s Words
You have unmet expectations.
Has the fantasy of your affair relationship fallen short of your reality? You’ve been expecting the relationship to evolve into something more serious or hoping for a future together, only to realise it may never happen.
You’ve dreamed up a life together.
You’ve talked about what it will be like being out in the open.
You’ve imagined celebrating milestones together.
You’ve envisioned trips you would take, memories you would make, and meeting each other’s families…
And you feel like you’ve gotten your hopes up.
Feeling the weight of these unmet expectations is a recipe for resenting your affair partner. If this resonates with you, you may feel torn between giving up the life you dreamed together and hanging onto hope that it could all work out in the end somehow.
You’ve ignored your intuition.
During your relationship with your affair partner, you may have found yourself believing in him without question—even trusting him more than you trust yourself. You believed his promises, and his love bombing swept you off your feet. You ignored the nagging doubts and pushed aside your instincts, waiting for him to follow through on his promises.
But in doing so, you silenced the inner voice you had that saw the red flags and tried to warn you. Yet deep down, you always knew the truth: His words don’t align with his actions, and he’s not the man he claims to be.
Now the resentment you feel isn’t just towards him—it’s also towards yourself for not listening to your own inner wisdom. It might not feel like it now, but your intuition is your ally. With a little time and healing, you can begin to trust it again.
“I’m always rationalising why he stays and won’t change his circumstances for me (…) but in reality every day of him not choosing me makes me fall further and further away from the strong woman I was.” — Woman’s Words
You’ve been disconnected and unable to express your anger.
If you’re like the many women in our community, you’ve been taught to be a “good girl”; to please others and keep the peace. This conditioning has denied you the right to feel and express the full range of our emotions, including anger.
When you’ve experienced being walked over, ignored, or expected to repress your negative emotions, resentment can start to brew.
But you have every right to stand up for yourself, feel your emotions, and express them too.
Embracing your true feelings, even when it doesn’t please everyone else, will ultimately set you free.
You feel like you’ve been used.
Is the married man you’re seeing using you? When he compliments you, is it because he genuinely cares about you, or is he doing it to boost his own ego and earn your validation?
If his gestures lack genuine care and concern for your well-being, he’s not really giving; he’s taking. The married man you’re seeing might be going out of his way to appear like a nice guy, but it falls flat. From the outside it looks like receiving love, yet it lacks authenticity and depth, leaving you empty and unfulfilled.
Here’s an example of what that’s like: Imagine he praises your hard work on a project, making you feel special and appreciated. Later, you discover he’s given the same generic praise to several other people for their efforts. His words, which once felt meaningful, now seem hollow and insincere.
While he appears to be giving, it was never sincere, adding to the resentment you feel towards him.
“How Can I Get Over My Affair Partner?”
So how can you get over resenting your affair partner? Remember that it took time for this wall of resentment to build, and it will also take time to process and dismantle it too.
Moving through these emotions won’t happen in a day, but there are things you can do to support working through them.
Connecting with other women who get your pain invites the safety you need to feel the full range of your emotions in this experience. Sometimes anger and resentment are difficult feelings to access because you don’t feel entitled to experience pain after knowingly involving yourself with someone who’s married. Sharing your story and all you’ve been through can be a cathartic way of helping you untangle your complex feelings.
Lastly, remember that the sentiment of “I hate my ex affair partner” is not where you want to be. Hate implies that your resentment hasn’t gone away—and that you still feel anger towards him. While this is so understandable for all that you have been through, you also deserve to heal, move on, and find a sense of peace.
You won’t hate your affair partner—in fact, someday, you’ll feel indifference towards him. This is proof he’s completely lost all power in your life, and a sign that you can really move forward in life and love with peace.
Move On from Resentment and Make Room for Healthy Love
“I resent my affair partner, but I’m ready to let go of my anger now.”
The first step in releasing yourself from the shackles of resentment is deciding that you want to move on. You can begin to heal and move forward, whether that means ending the affair or working towards a more honest and fulfilling relationship.
Sharing your story in a safe space can help you process and work through your negative emotions in a healthy way. Let’s jump on a discovery call (FREE) and see if you’d be a fit for our private community of supportive women or 1:1 coaching with me.
More resources to help you understand your affair relationship:
