What is Coercion? Coercion Versus Consent—Explained
What is coercion, and how can it show up in romantic relationships? Understanding the difference between coercion and consent is crucial for healthy, mutually respectful connections.
Consent is about enthusiastic, voluntary agreement. But when “consent” isn’t freely given, but instead influenced by pressure, manipulation, or fear, that’s where coercion comes in.
Coercion is often misunderstood because it doesn’t always look like force or threats. It can be subtle, disguised as persuasion or persistence, making it difficult to recognise in the moment.
Understanding the difference between coercion and consent is essential for setting boundaries and maintaining them. It’s also essential for protecting your peace and self-esteem.
Our strongest guide here is our feelings. Do you sense a forceful pull, a subtle pressure, or an unease that makes it hard to fully relax? Or do you feel complete freedom to honour your needs and desires without hesitation?
In this blog, we’ll break down the differences, highlight real-life examples of coercion, and help you recognise when your boundaries are being crossed.
What is Coercion? Coercion Defined
Have you ever felt forced to do something—without being explicitly told it was your only option? Coercion is the act of controlling, pressuring, manipulating, or threatening someone into agreeing to something they wouldn’t freely choose. This pressure can be emotional, psychological, financial, or even physical.
When you’re being coerced, it takes away any possibility for true consent because you cannot make a decision from a place of free will.
“He never needed to yell or threaten me outright. A sigh, a long silence, the way he looked at me like I had disappointed him—it was enough to make me second-guess myself and do whatever it took to make things ‘right’ again.” — Woman’s Words
Key elements of coercion:
Fear-based decision-making: The person feels they must agree to avoid negative consequences.
Pressure or manipulation: Using guilt, persuasion, or persistent requests to wear someone down.
An imbalance of power: When one person holds authority or leverage over the other.
How is Consent Different from Coercion?
Consent is a freely given, enthusiastic, and informed agreement to engage in an action. It requires:
- Voluntary agreement without pressure or fear.
- A natural leaning in.
- Responding positively to subtle cues.
- Clear communication between all parties.
- The ability to say no without repercussions.
- The option to withdraw consent at any time.
When coercion masquerades as consent.
Coercion can be tricky to identify because it can sometimes look like agreement. When it’s happening to you, you may be confused about your choices and wonder if it really came from agreement or avoiding the consequences of not going along with what your partner wanted.
If someone says “yes” under pressure, is that really consent? No. Here are some signs that coercion may be at play:
- Feeling obligated to say yes rather than truly wanting to.
- Experiencing fear, guilt, or anxiety around saying no.
- Repeatedly being asked the same thing after already saying no.
- Agreeing just to avoid conflict or potential consequences.
Coercion doesn’t sound like yelling, and it can even look like consent sometimes. For example, coercion sounds like: ‘If you really loved me, you would do this for me.’
Here’s another example: ‘I guess I’ll just have to find someone who actually cares about me.’ It’s guilt disguised as love.
“At first, I thought I was choosing him. I thought I was choosing love, patience, and understanding.
But over time, I realised I wasn’t choosing at all. I was just afraid of what would happen if I didn’t go along with what he wanted.” — Woman’s Words
Coercion in Unhealthy and Abusive Relationships
Coercion often shows up in abusive relationships in ways that are subtle, insidious, and deeply psychological. Coercion doesn’t always involve overt threats or violence—it’s about control, manipulation, and making the victim feel like they have no real choice.
Here are examples of coercive control in relationships:
1. Emotional manipulation & guilt-tripping.
- He uses guilt to get his way: “If you really loved me, you’d do this for me.”
- He plays the victim: “I do everything for you, and this is how you treat me?”
- He turns his concerns around: “You’re the one hurting me by making me feel like you don’t care about me.”
2. Gaslighting & reality distortion.
- He makes you doubt your own feelings and memories: “I never did that” or “You’re overreacting.”
- He denies past promises or changes the narrative to make himself look innocent.
- He calls you “crazy” or “too sensitive” (and undermines your confidence).
3. Withholding love & affection as punishment.
- He gives you the silent treatment until you give in to his demands.
- He withdraws affection, sex, or kindness until he gets his way.
- Acting cold, distant, or moody to create anxiety and pressure you to “fix” it.
4. Financial control & financial dependence.
- He discourages you from working or making financial decisions.
- He makes you feel guilty for spending money—even for small or necessary purchases.
- He invests in you, buys you special things—but it’s not true, unconditional giving. Instead, it comes with unspoken expectations. Over time, when he wants something and you hesitate, he reminds you of all he’s done: “I’ve given you everything, and you don’t even care.” This guilt makes you feel obligated to give in, as if you owe him for his generosity.
5. Threats & fear-based control.
- Subtle or direct threats of violence: “You don’t want to make me angry.”
- He threatens to harm himself or others if you don’t comply: “If you leave, I’ll kill myself.”
- He threatens to take away children, pets, or financial support.
6. Sexual coercion.
- He pressures you into sex and says things like “If you loved me, you’d want to.”
- He makes you feel obligated to have sex after doing something nice for you.
- He ignores you when you say no.
7. Social isolation.
- He makes you feel bad for spending time with friends or family.
- He tries to control who you talk to and what you do.
8. Making you feel powerless.
- Convincing them they can’t leave or won’t survive on their own.
- Telling them no one else will love them or that they’re “lucky” to have them.
- He makes you feel like you are responsible for maintaining the relationship—at any cost.
Coercion is one of the most powerful tools in abuse because it can trap you in a cycle of self-doubt, fear, and dependence.
Your interactions with your coercive partner are designed to make you feel like you’re making choices—when, in reality, they have none.
If you’re experiencing coercive control in your relationship, know that you deserve so much better than the circumstances you’re in. Learning what coercion looks like is the first step to regaining your autonomy and breaking free.
How You Can Protect Your Boundaries
Recognizing coercion is the first step to safeguarding against it, but what is the next step? What do you do if you’re being coerced in your relationship? Here are some ways to protect your boundaries:
- Trust your gut: If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Remember that when consent is freely given, you’ll feel a sense of clarity and ease. If you make decisions in fear and confusion, it’s possible that you are being coerced.
- Be firm with your ‘no’: You don’t need to justify or over-explain your decision. Your simple and firm no should be respected, and if it’s not this person is not a healthy match for you.
- Call out manipulation: If someone is using guilt or pressure and you feel safe to do so, acknowledge it and stand your ground.
- Seek support: Talk to a trusted friend, coach, or counselor if you feel unsure or pressured. Our private group of women is also a safe place where you’ll feel seen, heard, and understood.
I know from personal experience that ending a relationship—even an unhealthy one—isn’t easy. My seven-year affair with my boss, a man twice my age, wasn’t easy to walk away from at first. Even though I knew our relationship wasn’t right—and I knew he held the upper hand in our power dynamic—it took me a long time to walk away.
When I finally did, I fell into deep shame. I was embarrassed to have “let myself get in that situation”, even though, looking back now, I know I’m not the one to blame.
My journey from that darkness to the life I live today has taught me that even in our lowest moments, we have the strength to rise. And now, I use my story to help others find their voice, their courage, and their way back to themselves.
Your Boundaries Matter — And So Does Your Peace.
So, what is coercion? Simply put, it’s a deeply manipulative tactic for one person to get what they want. Coercion can be subtle, but by learning to recognize it, you can make empowered decisions that align with your values and boundaries.
If you’ve ever questioned whether your consent was truly given or felt pressured into something, you’re not alone. Awareness is the first step toward reclaiming your right to make choices that are genuinely yours.
Need help navigating a power differential in your relationship? I’m here to walk with you as you build confidence, set firm boundaries, and break free from unhealthy relationship patterns. It’s time to reclaim your power.
Book a free 15-minute discovery call with me today.
