I Had An Affair—Am I A Bad Person?
It’s not easy saying “I had an affair” —for most married women, this admission brings up a spectrum of emotions. It takes time to process such a significant experience, especially if you’re wondering how you even got here in the first place.
One minute you were enjoying someone’s company, and before you know it you’ve stepped into the dynamics of an affair.
How did this happen?
How did you get here?
How on earth do I get through this without it becoming a big thing?
Are you a bad person for having an affair?
If these questions are nagging at you, you’re in the right place. We’ll be answering those questions here, in a judgement-free space, where you can feel free to explore this question for yourself at a deeper level.
I Had an Affair—How Did This Happen?
“I feel like I have a high self worth… So why am I doing something that makes me feel so low?”
The last thing you want to do is the wrong thing or do wrong by others.
Most women who end up in affairs do not set out to form a relationship outside their marriage. In fact, if this is you, it’s more than likely that you experienced a hit of strong connection, validation, feeling seen in ways you had been craving or were not getting and that caused your heart to fall right in.
In some cases, affairs stem from a subconscious comfort to repeat a relationship dynamic that’s particularly familiar in your world (more on that later).
Although it sounds logical to label yourself as an “adulterer” or a “cheater”, the truth is that an affair was the last thing you thought you’d ever do.
Giving yourself this label can be very punishing. What you are going through is really challenging. There’s a lot of confusion and emotion—and the constant feeling of being torn in different directions. It’s a very real experience, and you deserve to be held through that.
While society tends to villainize women who end up in affairs, the truth is that we all do things that don’t align with the way we see ourselves, our core values, or what’s important to us.
The more we can see beneath the surface of what’s going on, the more you can meet yourself with compassion and understanding.
There are complex emotional and psychological reasons why you’ve ended up in an affair.
So let’s not forget to honour that you’re a human with real emotions. You’re doing your best to try and make sense of how this affair came to be, while also dealing with the sadness, guilt, and regret that comes with being in an affair relationship.
“The affair felt like an escape at the time, but now I am haunted by the pain I’ve caused my family. The regret is a constant weight on my shoulders.” — Woman’s Words
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There are a few common reasons why married women end up in affairs (all affairs are very different so some may resonate with you more than others). Here are some of those factors:
The connection you experienced felt deeply fulfilling.
Like rain in a desert. Bread to the starving. You didn’t know you were missing out on anything until the power of this love came into your life.
Has your marriage been somewhat emotionally disconnected? If you are not feeling fully seen, understood, and have a strong sense of emotional connection and depth in your marriage, as soon as you get it elsewhere you are going to unconsciously want to lean in. We all have emotional needs and a desire to feel connected, and this may have instigated your hunger for emotional support, validation, and a deeper connection… which can eventually lead to an affair.
The relationship with this other person may start off as an emotional affair, but it’s not uncommon as the emotional intimacy grows for these types of affairs to turn physical too.
I want to highlight that we don’t know what we are missing if we have never experienced that depth. So when it comes into our life it suddenly tastes so sweet.
“He has a wife and children. My dad had an affair and it broke my mum’s heart. But now I’m that person. I feel like such a bad person” — Women’s Words
Your need to feel desired and valued is not met.
A person’s self-esteem can ebb and flow through different stages in life. During a particularly low period, you may be a lot more vulnerable to falling into external sources of validation. Sometimes this happens consciously, but often this happens subconsciously.
This other person came into your life at the perfect time and gave you exactly what you needed: a boost to your self-esteem, which gives you the feeling of security.
You felt wanted—desirable—and began to look forward to every interaction with them. Everyone wants to feel valued and appreciated, and you found a source to boost your confidence.
Eventually, your connection deepened… and this can be especially overpowering if you’ve felt neglected in your marriage.
You felt trapped or unfulfilled in your marriage.
Before you had an affair, how were you feeling in your marriage—and in your life? Dissatisfaction with your personal circumstances can make you more vulnerable to attention from other men—especially the attentions of a toxic man. These men represent an escape from the stress and responsibilities in your daily life (although the affair often creates more stress, in reality).
This is where infidelity can come to serve you. To shake you up. Would you have taken the necessary action of shifting your current circumstances if your world continued as it was?
There is a quiet way to find out what your pattern is really telling you.
For a time, your affair is your own secret world—and inside that world you get to be free from your problems and find temporary relief. The thrill of a new relationship may even bring positive emotions like excitement and adventure, which can help you turn a blind eye to the other parts of your life that are distressing to you.
We can only keep that blind eye turned for so long. And then, in order to live in alignment with ourselves, we are forced to face the affair, but then also that dissatisfaction in the marriage.
You were attracted to a familiar relationship dynamic.
Often women describe being utterly and inexplicably drawn to their affair partner—as if from the moment they met, they were hurtling towards the inevitable together. In some cases, this passion actually represents a subconscious desire to reenact familiar dynamics from your past.
Sometimes, the patterns we feel compelled to repeat are where there’s an incomplete love. It feels complete, and yet you can’t fully reach him. Despite the bad parts of the relationship, the familiarity of these dynamics can feel comfortable. For example, if you grew up in an environment where love was intertwined with conflict, emotional intensity, or control, you might equate these elements with affection and care and seek them out in someone else—and this person may end up becoming your affair partner.
How Your Affair Partner Drew You to Him
Women are attracted to men outside their marriage for a variety of psychological, emotional, and situational reasons. Essentially: It’s complicated. But it’s important to acknowledge that married women are not always the sole pursuer of an affair relationship.
Some men take very intentional steps to draw you in. Here’s how:
He approached you with intense flattery.
Did your affair partner use flattery and charm, making you feel uniquely attractive and important, fulfilling your need for validation.
When done strictly as an attempt to influence you through strong demonstrations of attention, this may be considered love bombing.
Love bombing is when you are overwhelmed with affection, gifts, and declarations of love. This can create an intense and addictive emotional bond. It can feel like fairytale love.
Intention is everything, and if the intention behind these actions is coming from his own scarcity wound around love, this doesn’t represent genuine affection.
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He made you feel needed.
Did your affair partner come across as someone who needed your help? Some men welcome married women into their lives as a “fixer” — allowing you to see them as a person who needs temporary support so they can transform. As the fixer, you feel needed and valued, which keeps you invested in the relationship as it progresses (although often the man himself does not).
For me, I loved being in service to my partner. Helping them shine, seeing their full potential despite their current circumstance. This love is beautiful, but make sure that you loving them in this way isn’t compromising you. For instance, do they have emotional breakdowns and lash out on you? Do you immediately care for his well being over yours? You see his pain and just want to be there for him… neglecting the fact that you were just treated poorly.
He portrayed a confident and captivating persona.
Some men are very charismatic and this can pull you in like he is the “knight in shining armour”. Unlike the man looking to attract a “fixer”, this man may present as though he’s going to save you. In this case he may be showing you “the man you deserve”, isolating you from the connection you have with your husband.
They make the prospect of an affair appear exciting—presenting something far different from the routine of married life. He makes it seem as though only he can provide what you need, making you feel grateful—and maybe even indebted—to him.
“I was drawn to his charm, but he turned out to be toxic. Now, I’m left with nothing but guilt and the realisation that I hurt the people who actually cared about me.” — Woman’s Words
Every affair relationship is unique in its own way, and these experiences may not resonate with you. However, if any of these experiences do, you’ll find that many women inside our private community have been through similar circumstances too.
Next Steps When in Your Affair
If you’re still wondering: “I had an affair—am I a bad person?”, the answer is a resounding no. Affair relationships build for complex reasons, and you’re not a bad person for having a very real and human experience. It can be hard to move on from the guilt and shame you feel after having an affair, but ultimately you deserve to feel good about yourself and find happiness again (whatever that looks like for you now).
If you feel stuck and you’re not sure what to do next, you’re not alone. I help women just like you get unstuck and start mapping out a future they feel excited about; one rich with safety, depth, and emotional intimacy.
Let’s find out what that picture looks like for you.
Question 1 of 6
Pick one to carry on — “none of these” counts.
Six questions, about ninety seconds. Private. You can stop at any point.
Where are you at? — ✓ You answered this at the top of the page. Change it.
More to help you reflect on your affair relationship:
