My Story: 7 Years of Being The Other Woman

I Set Out To Be An Employee; Instead, I Became “The Other Woman”

What many don’t know, is that being the other woman in an affair is isolating, full of highs and excruciating lows. No one gets it. But I do.

I never thought becoming the other woman would turn out to be such a pivotal part of my personal journey, but here we are. This is the part where I tell you how this part of my story unfolded.

My hope for you in reading this is that you’ll know I understand what it’s like to be in your shoes—to feel like the thing that emotionally consumes is something you could never admit to anyone… and to give you hope for your future, no matter where you’re starting from now.

As a young girl, I had my inspirations and dreams lined up. I wanted to go out in the middle of the outback and experience true farm life. I was brave enough to face uncertainty in order to fulfil my imagination. But what I anticipated versus what actually happened was  nothing my hopeful self could have expected at all. 

What I thought would be a happy and adventurous farm experience turned into the most emotional experience of my life: I became “the other woman” in an affair. I ended up in a sexual relationship with my married boss for seven long years. I gave him my all, and that includes my virginity, my firsts in everything—yes, all of me.

It was the very first time in my life a man would come to steal smiles and glances from me. I was showered with the feeling of being so loved and cared for by a man in an intimate way for the first time. This made me feel all sorts of butterflies in my belly. 

At times, I could convince myself our relationship felt right and good. But at the end of the day, this unhealthy dynamic affected my self-esteem and I would  crash, overwhelmed with feelings of  emptiness, regret, remorse and pain. I fought with conflicting emotions day in and day out during the relationship with my affair partner, and I would repeat this cycle day in and day out for 7 years.

How could I go so far beyond my values, morals and standards for life? I knew what healthy love was supposed to look like. I saw it growing up, and this was far from it. 

It felt suffocating to see him go back to the arms of his wife and his family—for him to give me temporary affection (that revolved around his timeline) and then strip me from it. So there I was, residing in their home, witnessing the family they built before I showed up. And blaming myself to no end for coming in and selfishly ruining a home. “I know better, I know better, why can’t I stop this?” Emotionally this was devastating to endure. 

It felt lonely to experience what is supposed to be the most exciting times of losing your virginity, yet I had to hide everything. I couldn’t tell a soul what I was going through.

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I would feel those feelings of affection and connection and then go back to being filled with anguish with myself.

Although I heard my heart screaming at me from the start: STOP!! This has got to stop! It’s going nowhere and just hurting you. 

But I would always continue. I couldn’t step away. 

I invested my all into a relationship with a married man over those seven years, constantly compromising myself and in the process, I lost myself. Every day I became weaker and weaker.

I became less and less myself. And I felt completely powerless to create the change I so badly needed. So I stayed being the other woman for years.

Affair Recovery Coach Kate London and a quote from her about staying in an affair relationship and how painful it can be

Letting Go of My Identity of Being The Other Woman

The steps I had to take to leave my affair partner, someone I deeply cared for and had built my life around, was the scariest time in my life. In order to break free from my secret relationship, I had to  voice my “double life” to my family so I could get their help to leave. It was hard. Really hard. 

What will they think of me? Will they push me away? In the end will I lose everyone I deeply care about? 

A graphic that reads "approximately 20-30% of single American women have been involved with a married man during the course of their lifetime"

Source: The Phenomenological Investigation of “The Other Woman” in an Extramarital Affair

Even after we called it off, I still felt myself walking on eggshells. I lost count of how many times I would cry to bed and blame myself for what had happened. I was living under a cloud of shame, guilt, and isolation. I had no one to talk to. 

I feared being branded forever as the “other woman” who stole a man from his beautiful family. A woman you should never trust around your partner—after all, she might steal him. I felt trapped and unable to speak, yet I yearned to get it off my chest with someone.

I honestly thought that was the end of me… But I was wrong. I gradually realized that what happened in the past does not define who I am today.

Gradually, I came out of the darkness. I decided to not only live honestly, but also to love and forgive myself. And perhaps most importantly, I decided to move forward and embrace life with no regrets.

I was the other woman, but that wasn’t my identity anymore.

Through my own healing experience, my mission became clear: Bring help to the women who need support at this pivotal time in their lives, just like I did.

I felt called to offer support to oppressed women on the other side of an affair, and to encourage them not to cower in fear of judgment and shame. Being the other woman is lonely… But your pain is valid, and you do not need to hide anymore. It’s time to stop allowing this story to define who you are. What you’ve been through may be one intense experience, but it does not define you.

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I’ve Been in Your Shoes—And I’m Here for You. 

By helping women navigate their affair relationships, I’ve come to realize just how much more powerful we are when we stand together in our shared experiences. Going through my own journey as the other woman has allowed me to step in and hold space for the women going through theirs.

There is an unhealthy societal narrative surrounding women involved in extramarital affairs, and it is deeply problematic, perpetuating harmful stereotypes like “homewrecker” and “slut shaming.” Words like “side chick” or “mistress” echo with negative connotations.

These words—and the narratives that come along with it—mislabel you. 

They misrepresent your experiences, and force you into a corner of silence and shame, despite the emotional and psychological distress you’ve endured.

But when we lean into sharing our stories without fear of judgment, we shine a light on what it really means to have such a complex experience—and make way for a path forward.  

A graphic that reads "affair relationships: helping women out of the pain and confusion of living a double life" created by Kate London

You deserve to be seen, heard, and understood. You deserve to have a safe place to heal and receive support for the weight you’ve been carrying alone. 

Becoming an Affair Recovery Coach has allowed me to take my healing experience and pay it forward to women all around the world—women who are ready to find their strength and embrace the future they truly deserve.

So, are you ready to get started? Let’s work to redefine who you are together—I guarantee you it’s so much more than simply being “the other woman”.

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