Healing After Having An Affair: How to Go from Confusion to Clarity
If you are married or in a serious relationship with your significant other and also healing after having an affair, this blog was created just for you.
The aftermath of having an affair can leave a trail of confusion, hurt, and uncertainty in its wake. If you’ve ended an affair with a married man, you know just how tough it can be. But as difficult as it feels to move forward, you should know there is a path towards healing, redemption, and ultimately, clarity.
So what’s the secret to feeling confident and clear in yourself and what you desire? How can you create a happy and fulfilling relationship with your partner, especially when you’re feeling so lost here and now?
Have you made a huge mistake, walking away from your affair partner who could have been the one?
Keep reading to discover why having an affair has you feeling confused in the first place—and exactly what you can do to find clarity. It is possible to get to a place of peace—perhaps even sooner than you think.
“I felt so connected to him. My partner is great and loving and consistent but I don’t feel the depth, desire and passion that I feel when I’m connecting with my affair partner” — Woman’s Words
Why Having an Affair Leaves You Feeling Confused
Many women who share the experience of navigating an affair breakup can relate to feeling confused. The patterns and dynamics that exist inside affair relationships can leave you feeling like you’re spinning in circles. And the more you try to figure out your relationship and a clear picture for your future, the more lost you feel.
It doesn’t help when your affair partner meets you with his own uncertainty. One minute he’s on the fence, the next he’s all in—so inside you never feel sure of where you stand. Or perhaps he proclaimed just how sure he was about a future with you, but you’re married… so then what?
Or maybe he’s inconsistent with following through on his actions, so it’s hard to have full faith that it’s safe to go all in with him when you have fears if it will work out.
Whatever your affair relationship looked like, there are some significant contributing factors most women will experience during their breakup.
Comparison.
“I hate that I do it, but I keep comparing my husband to him”
It’s easy to fall into judging yourself when you compare your affair partner to your significant other.
But let’s be real here: Of course you’re going to weigh things up.
You deserve to have your needs for deep connection, emotional or intellectual stimulation, desire, uncertainty, and safety. You should have someone that has your back and is your biggest supporter.
Meeting your affair partner has probably shone a light on needs that weren’t being met in your marriage—needs you shouldn’t deny yourself of, but rather honour the importance of having them fulfilled.
You’re stuck in emotional turmoil.
Affairs involve complex emotional dynamics. While the highs leave you feeling elated, the time in between can often be emotionally consuming. As the other woman, you may experience feelings of guilt, shame, jealousy, excitement, love, all at once.
You may even get used to riding this emotional roller coaster, so much so that being outside of it makes you feel anxious. Sorting through these emotions alone can be confusing and overwhelming—but you can get unstuck and bring peace back into your life again.
“When I started to wake up and come out of the fog and where I am now, I see him so differently. I tolerated the roller coaster for well over a decade.” — Woman’s Words
You have conflicting priorities.
So many women in affairs find themselves prioritising their AP above all else. This may be an attempt to gain approval from an AP who only gives you time and attention on his terms—so if you don’t drop everything for him when he says so, you’ll miss the opportunity to be with him.
But over time, you lost sight of all the other things that were important to you. You may have let friendships, hobbies, and other aspects of your life fall to the wayside—so you could drop everything in case he needed you.
Balancing these competing priorities can be confusing, especially when you live them in stark contrast to your values. At the end of an affair, you have to reevaluate what’s really important to you, which can be challenging.
You’ve lost your identity.
Although your relationship with a married man had ups and downs, it’s always been all-encompassing. Whether the relationship was on or off, hot or cold, it demanded most of your mental time, energy, and focus.
You’ve been totally wrapped up in loving a married man—so much so that you lost sight of yourself, your husband and your family.
This is probably resonating deeply if you had a tendency to put your AP’s wants and needs before your own through the course of your relationship.
Neglecting all your wants and needs for someone else, and for so long, eventually diminishes your sense of self.
You may feel like you’ve forgotten who you are in the world without him, and it’s time to rediscover that again.
How to Rebuild Your Self-Esteem After an Affair Breakup
Finding clarity after your affair ends means standing strong inside yourself. While it’s certainly not easy, it’s also an opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of who you are, what you want, and build your roadmap for getting there.
“I had an affair, now what?”
You start the journey to heal.
Here are a few ways you can start to rebuild your self-image and feel clear and confident again.
Join a support group.
You’re facing a significant transformation in your life, but you don’t have to do it alone.
Our private community is a place where you can find empathy, understanding, and encouragement.
This is a place where you can connect with other women who’ve been in your shoes and can provide valuable perspective—or just an ear to listen, if you need that too.
The first step to accessing the group is jumping on a free discovery call with me. We’ll figure out if you’re the right fit for finding support inside this amazing (and non-judgemental) community of women.
“Listening to these women helped me so much. Thinking about my own needs and really focusing on myself helped me. I didn’t realise that I hadn’t listened to my own intuition for so long that I could no longer recognise them.” — Community Member
Create a safe space.
In need of a full-body exhale? The greatest healing happens when your nervous system is in a state of rest. Your internal state, and your nervous system, are greatly influenced by your environment. Creating a safe space in your home where you can meditate, journal, and relax can help you cultivate an inner calmness and help you maintain your peace.
Make a safe space in your home, or even in a corner of your room, where you feel at peace. Try adding elements that keep it extra cosy—think candles, blankets, essential oils, dim lights—and whatever else helps set the right tone for your healing journey.
Stay intentionally occupied.
When you’re going through a breakup with your AP, it’s easy to get stuck replaying through the same scenarios—like the moment it was over or what you could have done differently. But right now, it’s important to avoid sitting at home and ruminating.
Do your best to stay occupied by getting out for some fresh air. Take a short walk, write in a journal over a cup of coffee at your favourite shop, or sign up for an activity or class in your community.
If you are hanging out at home and you find yourself spiralling in unhelpful thoughts, hit the reset button by distracting yourself with something—like organising your space and/or watching a movie—to take your mind off of him so you can be present in the now.
Find 1:1 support.
Reaching out to friends, family, or our private community can do a lot to help carry you through a difficult time like the end of an affair relationship. But sometimes we need a little more focused support, and that’s where my 1:1 coaching can help.
I’ve been in your shoes—living as the other woman after having an affair with my boss for seven years. This unhealthy dynamic affected my self-esteem, and it took me a long time to get past the emptiness, regret, and pain I felt in that relationship and when it ended.
My lived experience has taught me that your healing journey, however difficult, is worth investing in. I hope you agree, and if you do then let’s connect on a discovery call.
Heal From Your Affair Relationship and Get Back to You
Rediscovering yourself after having an affair is a process, but your healing is worth it. It’s completely normal to feel confused when your relationship with a married man ends. But if you can find the right support, create a safe space, soak up some helpful information, and stay occupied, you can find the clarity, peace of mind, and sense of self you deserve.
Your new beginning starts today.
Interested in seeking 1:1 coaching or community support? Let’s chat and I’ll help you explore your options.
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