Red Flags You Need to End An Affair With a Married Man
Is it time for you to end an affair with a married man? It’s not easy to know when it’s truly time to call it quits. Affair relationships can leave you in the midst of an emotional fog—lost in the heaviness of a draining, one-sided relationship.
Relationships with married men can often begin with a love that feels real, deep, and promising. As time goes by, the emotional turmoil and ethical dilemmas that come with it make it impossible to know when you should work on your relationship… or when you should just leave him.
So what are the red flags you need to know so that you can protect your emotional well-being and future happiness? Here are some critical signs that it might be time to end the affair.
Signs it’s Time to End An Affair With a Married Man
Before jumping into the red flags you need to end your affair, it’s important to remember that all of these may not stand out to you or resonate with your experience in an affair relationship.
While one or two of these red flags on their own might not make or break your relationship with a married man, connecting your AP with more than a few of these red flags might make your decision more clear.
“No one understands why it’s so hard to walk away, why someone so strong and independent could fall for the narcissism… why I didn’t see the pattern or leave after the first red flag.” — Woman’s Words
He’s Emotionally Unavailable
Does your affair partner avoid serious conversations or talking about the future? If he’s unwilling to discuss his emotions, it will be nearly impossible to develop emotional intimacy—something that is crucial for developing a healthy relationship.
A lack of willingness to be genuinely emotional also indicates he’s not truly invested in you—at least not for the long term. In the end, this might mean he won’t be willing to change his circumstances and leave his marriage for you.
Grief is a common experience for those with an unavailable partner. There is loss, frequently unfulfilled hopes and desires, repeated disappointment, loneliness, confusion from mixed signals, and the pain of their guarded heart.
Why It’s a Red Flag:
A healthy relationship requires emotional openness and mutual investment. You feel your partner leaning into the relationship (instead of a yoyo-ing between in and absent).
If he’s not emotionally available, he’s not committed to a real, meaningful relationship with you.
He Uses You to Vent About His Marriage
If the married man you’re seeing constantly complains about his spouse, it’s a red flag. You deserve a man who values taking personal responsibility—one who is proactive about resolving conflicts and takes immediate action over venting. Not only is he avoiding the issues in his marriage, but he’s also using you as an emotional outlet. This dynamic positions you as an emotional crutch rather than a partner—and you are worth much more than that.
When you become his emotional crutch, you may notice you hold back on your needs because you don’t want to burden him more.
Why It’s a Red Flag:
Being a sounding board for his marital issues keeps you in a secondary role and distracts from building a relationship that’s based on mutual respect and shared goals.
He Manipulates You with Guilt or Fear
Yes: You feeling constantly guilty or fearful could mean you are experiencing emotional manipulation. If your AP manipulates your emotions by making you feel guilty for wanting more or fearful of the consequences of ending the affair, he’s using toxic tactics to keep you in a harmful relationship. Emotional manipulation is a sign of an unhealthy and potentially psychologically harmful relationship.
Why It’s a Red Flag:
Manipulative behaviours erode your self-esteem and autonomy, trapping you in a cycle of dependency and emotional turmoil. A loving partner should support and uplift you, not manipulate you.
“I walked on eggshells most of the time, and learned to behave in a way that would keep things calm and pleasant. I completely lost myself.” — Community Member
He Doesn’t Keep His Promises
Affair relationships are secretive by nature, so you’re used to keeping your connection hidden from the world. However, if the married man you’re seeing keeps promising to make changes, (like leaving his wife) but consistently fails to follow through, it’s not a good sign.
Failing to do what he says he’s going to do is a sign that your affair partner lacks integrity—which isn’t something you want in a long-term partner. Plus, it also shows that he might not be that serious about you. Empty promises can string you along indefinitely, wasting your time and your emotional energy.
Why It’s a Red Flag:
Falling through on his promises and failing to take action demonstrates a lack of commitment and respect for your time and emotions. He’s treating you like a temporary escape, rather than a valued partner he sees in his future. His reasoning may be valid. After all, ending a marriage isn’t easy. But if he’s devoted to you, he will move mountains to bridge the gap and you will sense that.
He Only Meets You on His Terms
Does your married affair partner dictate when and where you can meet, and typically opt for secluded places to avoid being seen? While being someone’s “dirty little secret” might sound sexy on the outside, the reality of being the other woman is truly heartbreaking.
Your affair partner may even limit communication to being on his terms—for example, he never answers your calls or texts when he’s at home. He’s spending his energy avoiding being detected—but it takes away from the possibility of developing a genuine relationship with you.
Why It’s a Red Flag:
A one-sided dynamic where he controls all aspects of your interaction highlights a lack of respect and equality in the relationship. It shows he is not truly available, emotionally or practically.
I know, he’s married… But don’t let that reasoning make you slip on the treatment you deserve.
He’s Financially Controlling or Secretive
If your AP is exercising control over you, it’s a red flag—especially if he uses money to control or influence your behaviour. If this resonates with you, keep in mind that financial manipulation can be one way of maintaining power and keeping you dependent.
He may also be secretive about his money—or even ask you for money. If the married man you’re dating needs to be bailed out by you financially, this is not a good sign. On one hand he could be being truthful about his circumstances—but in a situation like this it pays to be discerning and trust your gut.
Why It’s a Red Flag:
Financial transparency and independence are crucial in a relationship. Financial control or secrecy indicates a lack of safety, trust, and respect, suggesting he doesn’t view you as an equal partner.
He Blames You for the Affair
“You knew what you were getting into, and you didn’t say no.”
“You tempted me—you knew I was married.”
“You should have stopped us.”
These are just a few examples of what a married man might say to shift blame of the affair onto you. However, suggesting that you’re solely responsible for the affair or his part to play is a serious red flag. Conveniently, this approach absolves him of responsibility—and unfairly burdens you with guilt.
Why It’s a Red Flag:
Blaming you for the affair is manipulative and unfair, indicating a lack of accountability and respect. A healthy relationship requires both partners to take responsibility for their actions and consequences.
It’s Time to Prioritise Your Happiness and Wellbeing
Knowing when to end an affair with a married man can be challenging, especially when deep emotions are involved. However, recognizing these red flags is essential for protecting your emotional well-being and moving towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
You deserve a partner who is available, committed, and respectful—someone who sees you as an equal and is willing to build a future with you. Don’t settle for anything less than what you’re worth (and you’re worth a lot).
If you are looking for support in moving on from your affair, let’s connect. I’d love to chat with you about my 1:1 coaching and private support group for women in affairs on a 15-minute discovery call (FREE). This may be the exact next step you need to break free from your AP for good.
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