“I Miss My Affair Partner — Will I Ever Get Over Him?”

Quick exit ✕

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You’re withdrawing from the emotional intensity.

Would you characterise your affair as “intense” or “passionate”? Those are common ways of describing affair relationships. The fire between you two is unmatched when compared to previous partners, creating a powerful bond that is hard to replicate elsewhere.

Of course, with the highs come the lows—and as much as your relationship could lift you up it could also leave you in moments of utter despair.

Over time, you become used to this cycle—however unhealthy it may be. So when the affair ends, the sudden absence of it leaves you feeling confused, lonely, and yearning for more.

In case you needed to hear it: Love doesn’t have to be hot and cold, nor should it be difficult most of the time. Love can be easy and peaceful when you find the right person. You can build a relationship that becomes a soft place to land, which will bring so much more to your life than the rollercoaster you had with your AP.

You crave his validation.

In some relationships, including affair relationships, we look to our partner for validation and approval. The attention and adoration received from an affair partner can boost one’s self-esteem and provide a sense of validation that may be lacking in other areas of their life.

Often they can be really good at fulfilling this too, showering you with words of affirmation on how you are better than others in all these wonderfully unique ways. 

There is a quiet way to find out what your pattern is really telling you.

Remember that his opinion has no actual bearing on your worth. It didn’t when you were together, and it doesn’t now. You are and always have been deserving of love. 

You’re stuck in a spiral of guilt and shame.

One of the most insidious aspects of affairs is the spiral of guilt and shame that often accompanies them. The secrecy, lies, and betrayal can lead to self-loathing, which may stay with you long after your secret relationship ends.

What about him, and his guilt and his shame? You may be wondering why he doesn’t seem to have any. It’s not uncommon for the married man you’re seeing to offload his responsibility onto you and minimise the role he’s played in hurting people—you, his wife, his kids—along the way.

Just because you ended up in a relationship with a married man doesn’t mean you deserve to be punished forever. You’re not a “homewrecker” or a bad person; you’re a human who had real emotions, hopes, and dreams invested in this relationship.

You lost yourself in your toxic relationship.

Who are you without your AP? If you lost sight of that during your relationship, you’re not alone. In fact, so many women can relate to becoming so wrapped up in their AP’s wants and needs that they forget their own completely.

This toxic dynamic is especially true in an affair relationship with a narcissist (or men with narcissistic tendencies). In these types of relationships, and other unhealthy relationships, you have likely been subject to manipulation, criticism, and isolation, which damages how you view yourself. After some time, you may feel like when you look in the mirror, you don’t recognise the person looking back at you. This impact can last long after the relationship ends.

Realising that your needs are just as important as his is the first step to moving on. In fact, the more time you spend fulfilling your needs and focusing on your desires, you may realise that the person you were really missing all that time was you.

How to Find Healthy Love After an Affair Relationship

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No matter how long you were entrenched in your affair, a healthy relationship is never out of reach. You have the power to move forward feeling strong and confident within yourself. Here’s how:

• Find joy in your life again. You were used to serving his needs, but now it’s time for you to put yourself first. What lights you up? Get involved in activities that make you feel alive and bring happiness into your everyday life.
• Get clear on what you want. Did your relationship with your AP test and/or cross your values or boundaries? Getting firm on what you will or won’t allow in your next relationship can help set you up for success.
• Create a support system. Having support to lean on is invaluable when you’re picking up the pieces after your affair relationship ends. Join our private Infidelity Support Group of women who know what it’s like to be the other woman—and are committed to building a better future for themselves just like you. Interested in working with me 1:1? Let’s chat about it on a FREE discovery call.
• Let go of shame and guilt. These feelings may have had their time and place, but they’re no longer serving you. Try writing down the things you feel ashamed about on a piece of paper, and then write why what happened was necessary for you at the time to reframe the experience. Here’s an example:

Shame and guilt	Why it was necessary (Meet yourself with compassion and understanding)
“I broke our relationship off over the phone. I feel mean and bad for hurting him in that way.”	“I knew if I saw him in person he would convince me back into the relationship or make me feel wrong for my decision. The phone was my way of holding to myself to my decision.”
“I’m crazy. I went by his home to see if he was there. No wonder he keeps pulling away from me…”	“Communication was inconsistent and unclear. Checking his home felt like the only way to ease my anxiety and doubts.”
“I canceled plans last minute, and now I feel guilty for letting them down.”	“I felt constantly let down. He would often cancel plans on me after I had gotten all my hopes up. Canceling was my way of protecting myself from what I feared may come. At least if I cancel it was of my choosing as appose to be hurt again.”

“Thanks to Kate I can see the gift that this relationship was, in that I have healed the wounded part of myself that was vulnerable to manipulation and open to unavailable love.

I could not recommend Kate more highly. She has changed my life, and been my rock when nobody else could meet me in the depths of my pain. She met me where I was at and thanks to her I am now on the other side.” — Woman’s Words

Move on From Your Affair Partner and Find Happiness Again

Thinking “I miss my affair partner” is a completely valid experience to have—no matter how long it’s been since your relationship ended. You’re not just grieving an affair, you’re grieving what could have been. Plus, when you’ve lost yourself in the intense emotions, dependency and validation, and guilt and shame of the relationship, it makes it really tough to close that chapter.

It might feel difficult, but you have it in you to let go of your relationship with him for good and find happiness again. You are enough, and you deserve a loving, healthy relationship that gives back as much as you put into it.

Ready to start your journey of healing from an affair relationship? Let’s jump on a quick discovery call (FREE). It’s the first step to gaining access to our supportive community of women, and if you’re interested you can also ask about my 1:1 coaching.