Is Leaving Your Marriage For Your Affair Partner Worth It?
Are you thinking of leaving your marriage for your affair partner? Affair relationships are different from other types of relationships; Their unique circumstances make deciding whether or not to pursue it seriously even more complicated. Put simply, it feels like a major life decision that cannot be considered lightly. And that pressure can often leave you frozen in fear and confusion.
You made a commitment in marriage, yet found yourself in an affair so strong you’re thinking of ending it to move on with this new person. But before you make any bold moves, you may be asking yourself: Is it worth it? Let’s delve into this intricate dilemma so you can make the best decision for you.
“I’m Thinking of Leaving My Marriage for My Affair Partner—Should I or Shouldn’t I?”
If you’re worried about being judged for finding yourself torn between your husband and AP, don’t worry: You’re safe here, and free of judgement.
“The stigma surrounding married women in affairs makes it difficult to find support or connect with people who have experienced similar situations”
No matter what the situation within your marriage or affair relationship, you deserve to have support in your corner to help you make the right decision for your future.
Should I leave my husband for him?
You feel head over heels for your affair partner, right? You wouldn’t be considering leaving if you didn’t have a very strong connection—or even feel in love with your AP.
So what is so alluring about this other man in your life? Any of the following factors could be at play in your secret relationship with a married man:
- Intense attraction: “My marriage feels like a routine, but with him, every moment feels electric.” You may be drawn to his charisma, passion, and be intensely attracted to him. Some women feel incredibly drawn to their affair partner physically even when he’s not conventionally attractive or their typical “type”.
- Feeling desired: “I never thought I’d be in this position, but he makes me feel alive in ways my husband never could.” Your affair partner’s attention and affection makes you feel desired in ways your marriage doesn’t—and perhaps hasn’t for some time. This attention gives you a “high” and bolsters your sense of self-worth:
- Right person, wrong time: “I followed the traditional path—marriage, kids, settling down. But then I met my affair partner. The connection is undeniable; it feels like we’re soulmates.” You may find yourself torn between profound love and the practicalities of uprooting your life and affecting those around you. So, what’s the next step when love feels so deep, but circumstances seem impossible to navigate?
- Emotional dissatisfaction: “It’s like I’m living a double life. I love my husband, but this connection with him feels like something I’ve been missing.” Just as you might feel physically disconnected from your husband, you may also feel emotionally disconnected. You may be seeking emotional validation and support from the married man in your life.
- Escapism: “I feel trapped in my marriage, but with him, I feel free to be myself.” Do you feel like you enter a fantasy world with your affair partner? Being with him might be your way of avoiding the challenges and conflicts present in your marriage and/or your life, giving you temporary relief from stress. You may even idealise your AP and feel preoccupied with thoughts of what a happier life with him would look like.
- Emotional vulnerability: “I know he’s not good for me, but I can’t help but crave his attention and affection.” If you’ve been through a recent personal struggle or crises, you may be at a vulnerable time in your life. Unfortunately, not all men are worthy of being your soft place to land. A manipulative affair partner could exploit these circumstances to meet their own selfish needs without valuing what you need from the relationship too.
Relationships with Affair Partners: Belief Versus Reality
If you really want to come up with a concrete answer on whether or not you should divorce your husband for your affair partner, it helps to look at this decision from different perspectives.
Now, let’s discuss common beliefs about relationships with affair partners and the reality many of these types of relationships face.
Belief: He wants to get serious too.
Reality: A casual, low-commitment affair might be his goal.
Just because you’re ready to commit to something more with your affair partner doesn’t mean he is too. In fact, the married man you’re dating might be happy with the status of your secret relationship. While this affair may be your escape to a new partner and a new life, for him it might be more of an exciting rendezvous.
So how do you know if the married man you’re seeing is using you or serious about you? If he only meets you on his terms, prioritises his desires (physical and emotional), and hasn’t discussed the future with you, it indicates he isn’t interested in building a more serious connection.
You will know, you will feel it.
Before you make a life-changing decision, make sure you’re on the same page—and keep in mind he could just be saying what you want to hear (more on that next).
Belief: He’s going to leave his wife.
Reality: He may promise to leave his wife, but until he actually takes action it’s just words.
The married man you love might very well be ready to leave his wife for you. However, if that weren’t true, he wouldn’t be the first man to lie to his affair partner about his intentions.
If he keeps saying he’s going to leave his wife but keeps delaying it or making excuses, it might be because he doesn’t plan to divorce his wife at all.
When you’ve built a connection with someone, you want to be able to take them at their word.
However, behaviour is a language too. If he’s dragging his feet on ending his marriage to be exclusive with you, that sends a message too.
Focus less on what he says he’ll do and more on what he actually does.
Belief: Your relationship is guaranteed to be successful because of the sacrifices you’ve made to be together.
Reality: Like any relationship, there is no guarantee of success.
And, unfortunately, the statistics are not positive for this one. About 75% of marriages that begin from an affair end in divorce, and long-term success stories of women leaving her husband for her affair partner are few and far between.
Still, you and your affair partner could build a successful partnership. Like any relationship, if it’s going to work it needs to reflect a healthy dynamic. Your relationship should be loving, respectful, and allow for vulnerability on both sides.
If a power imbalance exists within your affair relationship, for example if you work with your AP or are dependent on him mentally and emotionally, there’s a higher likelihood of your relationship turning towards being unhealthy or even toxic in the future (if it isn’t already).
Belief: Just because he cheated with you doesn’t mean he’ll cheat on you.
Reality: You may stay faithful if you pursue a committed relationship, but he may not.
You may have resolved to leave your marriage and remain faithful to your AP. But has he? If your affair partner has a history of infidelity or struggles with commitment, these issues may persist regardless of the new relationship’s circumstances. For example, if he has a tendency to seek out admiration and validation from other people (which could be a red flag for narcissistic supply), he may continue to do so no matter his level of commitment to you.
Of course, a person’s past infidelity doesn’t necessarily dictate future behaviour. It’s just important to be honest with yourself about the circumstances that led you and your AP to having your secret relationship—and acknowledging there’s a chance he could stray from his primary partner again.
Belief: I must choose my husband or my affair partner.
Reality: You can choose to be single and focus on yourself if you want to.
When you’re debating whether or not leaving your marriage for your affair partner is worth it, the situation can feel very black and white: husband or AP.
In reality, a third option exists: moving on alone and taking time to focus on you.
If you felt your stomach drop when you read that, it’s okay. When you’ve almost always been attached to a romantic partner, the idea of being single can be downright scary.
But underneath that fear you’re feeling is freedom—and that might actually be what you need to move forward.
Realising you’re unhappy in your marriage can be difficult to come to terms with, and your affair with a married man may have been your escape—a place you could go to find connection and distraction. If you feel ready to figure out your next step, know that building the life you want (no matter what that looks like) starts with knowing, loving, and valuing yourself first.
Move Forward In Your Life with Clarity and Confidence
Deciding whether you’re leaving your marriage for your affair partner or not is ultimately a decision only you can make. There are no easy answers or one-size-fits-all solutions in matters of the heart.
But remember: Just because you have strong, deep feelings—even love—for your affair partner doesn’t make them right for you. Of course, the same goes for your husband too.
In the midst of this dilemma, the best thing you can do is invest in yourself and your future. As an Affair Recovery Coach, I’m here to help you make decisions about your relationships that feel aligned with your true desires and help you build healthy connections moving forward.
Let’s connect on a discovery call (FREE) so we can chat a little more about your unique situation and see if 1:1 coaching and/or joining our private supportive community is the right fit for you.
You don’t have to figure it out all on your own.
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