6 Signs He Won’t Leave His Wife (And What To Do About It)
Your affair partner has made promise after promise, but you still can’t shake the feeling he won’t leave his wife. Now what? As the other woman, this realisation can be heartbreaking to accept—and leave you wondering what you’re supposed to do next.
You’re in love with this married man… So do you accept that he wants to stay married to his wife, or do you keep hanging on hoping he’ll change his mind?
“He tells me he’s leaving. He asks me to wait. I’ve broken this off so many times, because I know I deserve more, but here I am frozen in time(…) most of the time I feel lonely, alone, disrespected, unimportant and played.
And then I receive a message: ‘I miss you’, ‘I can’t stop thinking about you’, ‘I can’t wait until we’re together’. It’s a complete head *uck, questioning if it’s real or manipulation.” — Woman’s Words
If you can relate to waiting on a married man to make up his mind about you, or not knowing how to move on once he admits he won’t leave his wife after all, this post is for you.
Keep reading to discover the signs he won’t leave his wife—and what to do next.
Signs He Won’t Leave His Wife for You
How do you know your affair partner won’t leave his wife? If you’re feeling confused or uncertain, it might be because his actions don’t line up with his behaviour. Or it could be that your AP doesn’t give you the reassurance you need to feel confident in his commitment.
The clarity you long for is missing—instead, you find yourself conflicted and confused. You want to invest your energy in a relationship that gives back as much as you pour into it, which is why you need to know if he’s going to move on from his marriage or not.
These signs will help you figure out if he’s really serious about divorcing his wife and moving forward with you as his partner in life.
“I swing between the feeling of euphoria and heartbreak. Opportunities pass me by; and I let them, because I have everything pinned on the hope he leaves and we can live the life we have imagined together.
I’m continuously anxious waiting for the next text or call, so much so that I’m on medication. But still I wait…I’m literally stuck, frozen in this all consuming state of anticipation, love, betrayal and loneliness.” – Woman’s Words
He avoids making long-term plans with you.
Although there have been a fair share of highs and lows, you dream about a future with your affair partner. Whether it’s celebrating upcoming holidays or milestones, taking trips, or even one day having a family of your own together, you’re imagining all the possibilities of what could be.
On the other hand, your affair partner has his own way of getting around these conversations. When you bring up the future, he might:
- Paint an ideal picture of your potential life together. He may say things like “when we are together, I will make sure you never have to worry about this”, or “when we are together, we can start XYZ”. He says just what your heart wants to hear, so you hang on to hope about the exciting future you will have… but then your medium and short-term plans are often vague or they get cancelled.
- Come across as uncertain or unsure. At times he’ll admit he doesn’t see a future, but in the next breath he’ll express how much he loves you and that he can’t live without you. These mixed messages are confusing, making it seem like he’s open or might change his mind.
- Make it clear he can never commit to you… sort of. He outright tells you he’ll never leave his wife. But the way he acts when he’s with you, and the things he says, leaves you hanging onto hope. He says “I could never do it without you”, “My wife doesn’t get me like you do”, and “I came to life since meeting you”. He’s told you he can’t leave his wife, but his actions and words make you feel like maybe one day he will.
No matter which way he goes about it, the outcome is the same: he never truly and fully commits to making long-term plans with you. If this sounds familiar, rest assured you’re not asking too much. It’s perfectly reasonable to want your partner to take an interest in creating your life together. If he falls short, that’s on him, not you.
He’s emotionally unavailable.
You connect with the married man you’re seeing on a physical level, but how close and safe do you feel to express all parts of yourself? Both emotional unavailability and infidelity involve a lack of emotional intimacy and communication, which is why they often occur hand in hand.
So it makes sense when the married man you’re seeing displays emotional distance within your affair relationship, as well as feels disconnected or unsatisfied in their current relationship or marriage.
If you’re involved with an emotionally unavailable man, you’ve likely noticed his hot-and-cold behaviour. One minute he’s fully in—and it’s electric. The next thing you know, you have no idea what he’s feeling or thinking. You’re constantly in your head trying to get clear on where you stand.
It may often seem like his guard is up—but there you are on the other side, pining to go deep and create the closeness you desire.
With healthy love, you won’t have a constant hunger for more. With healthy love, love always feels present whether you are physically close with him or not.
He paints himself as the victim.
You care for your affair partner, and you empathise with his struggles—-yet there always seems to be something standing in the way of you two being together. And no matter what that situation or circumstance is, he is the victim in it.
You always step up to support him, yet he’s not always there for you when you need him the most. He may be there instantly when he chooses to be the knight in shining armour for you, but then there are nights where you are craving his love and his presence, making you feel like you are “too much” for calling on him.
If this sounds familiar, it’s crucial to recognize whether or not he’s willing to take responsibility for his actions and the choices he makes. It’s not fair to you to be the one who’s always holding space for the married man you’re dating, meanwhile, under the surface you’re crumbling.
He’s dragging his feet and making excuses
He said he would leave his wife. So what’s taking so long? You keep telling yourself you need to be more patient and trusting.
His kids need him right now.
His wife is making his life miserable (and separation impossible).
His finances aren’t in order.
His family will despise him if he divorces right now, so he must do things gently to cause least destruction.
All the reasons could be real. But the truth is if he really wanted to, he would—no matter how hard the process might be.
Read that again: IF HE WANTED TO, HE WOULD.
And if he hasn’t yet, he might never.
I know those words can be hard to accept, but you deserve so much more than being strung along, whether that’s for another week, month, year, or decade.
“I’m always rationalising why he stays and won’t change his circumstances for me (…) but in reality, every day of him not choosing me makes me fall further and further away from the strong woman I was… and my values become eroded.” — Woman’s Words
He doesn’t make time for you
Do you feel like you’re always being put on the backburner? His actions speak volumes about the place you take in his life, including the time he makes for you.
“But he does make time for me! He has to squeeze it around his work and his family.”
That may be true, but does he cancel on you frequently? Do your plans tend to change, or alter when something comes up unexpectedly?
“He always has a good reason to cancel our plans.”
Whether it’s his kids graduation, his moms birthday, or something else important, it shouldn’t come at the cost of you feeling like a priority. And if you truly felt like number one, cancelling for valid reasons wouldn’t make you feel like number two.
Feeling insecure about your place in his world (and on his schedule) isn’t fair to you.
His Words Don’t Match His Actions
Feeling confused about whether your affair partner plans to leave his wife or not? He has told you he’s going to leave his wife, but he hasn’t actually taken any steps towards it.
He is still married. He hasn’t separated. He hasn’t told her—or anyone else—about you. And his words have become nothing more than broken promises.
Or perhaps he has told his wife—-but is the situation progressing? Has he told his kids? Are they creating short-term and long-term housing arrangements?
Do you truly feel secure in his commitment to keep moving forward, or are you constantly anxious about his true intentions? If you are anxious, take a moment to reflect. There is usually an underlying and totally legitimate reason why.
When you look at your secret relationship objectively, you can see something doesn’t add up. For all his declarations of love and a desire to make you his number one, he’s done nothing (or is super slow) to back it up. Yes, as complicated as it is, if he wanted to he could move things along further and faster.
His words are just words, and they’re not enough. But it doesn’t make it any easier to move on.
He’s Still Choosing His Wife—Here’s What You Can Do About It
Accepting he won’t leave his wife can be life shattering. And perhaps there’s a part of you that wishes you knew how to make your AP leave his wife.
The truth is it’s not your responsibility to change his mind. You deserve to be chosen because of who you are and all you offer in a relationship—not because you’ve begged and pleaded for it!
Why wait around for a man that leaves you questioning if he wants to commit? Of course that’s easy to say, not so easy to do, when the attachment is so strong.
But you truly deserve a love where there is no question of his level of commitment. You should simply deeply and genuinely, without hesitation, know he is by your side and fully invested.
Here’s what you can do: Take charge of your circumstances in the now. Your fulfilment is up to you, and you don’t need to wait on him to start feeling more fulfilled now.
Ready to start thinking about what that looks like? Let’s talk about it in a free discovery call. I’ll tell you all about our supportive community full of amazing women on a similar journey.
There’s no commitment required to hop on a discovery call with me. It’s our little window of time where you can start making a plan to move forward.
More resources to help you figure out your relationship with your affair partner:
