How to Cope When Your Affair Partner Dumps You
What do you do when your affair partner dumps you? When the married man you’re seeing suddenly cuts contact, it can be world shattering. Whether they go silent without an explanation or say goodbye with parting words, it leaves you wondering what you could have done differently—and where you’re supposed to go from here.
Keep reading to learn what to do when a man cuts off all communication so that instead of feeling like you are going crazy and lost all control, you can instead start the journey of healing from your affair relationship.
It might be difficult to see right now, but you are worthy of a love that can reciprocate the same positive energy you pour into it.
The road towards a healthier and happier future relationship starts here and now by focusing on you.
What to Do When Your Affair Partner Dumps You
Even if your relationship had its ups and downs—as affair relationships so often do—it can still be an uphill battle to get over the heartbreak of the relationship ending. You’ve been holding onto all the potential you had with this married man, and you may not be able to let go of the vision you had for your future just yet.
Or maybe you knew there wasn’t a future with him, yet the way he’s cut contact makes you question: Did he ever love you— or did he just use you this whole time?
No matter where this was going, when a man cuts off all communication it’s beyond painful, especially in an affair dynamic when he goes back to a wife.
As you read these steps, remember that getting over a breakup with your affair partner won’t happen overnight. But by prioritizing these coping strategies for an affair breakup, you can redirect your energy from focusing on things you can’t change towards supporting your healing journey.
“I need support. I don’t know how to move on and get past all of this. I thought this guy was it, the one I’ve been waiting for… so I’m looking for anything to help me move forward.” — Woman’s Words
Allow yourself to grieve.
The end of any relationship, regardless of its nature, involves a loss. Allow yourself to acknowledge and experience the emotions that come with it. You’ve already been through a lot as “the other woman”, and now you have to navigate the heaviness of being left without warning by your AP.
It’s normal to feel sadness, anger, guilt, shame, used, betrayed or even relief. Give yourself permission to feel all your feelings, as well as grieve the relationship and the dreams you had for it.
Validate the significance of your experience.
In times like this it’s easy to sink into guilt, wishing we did things differently, questioning our actions and the impacts. But let’s not forget to look at the hurt you have been through in this.
Were there promises over the course of the relationship that have been unfulfilled?
Did you experience intense cycles of connection and closeness followed by distance?
Did he tell you things that lead you to believe it was something more, only to experience a completely different outcome?
The truth is, it doesn’t matter how tied he is to his family, children, making sure his wife is ok, work, ect. If he wanted to, he could move mountains to make it work for you. So after all those promises, why didn’t he?
And this you have every right to feel utterly hurt by.
Healing the grief around not being chosen.
When a married man suddenly cuts contact, it’s natural to go through grief. The pain of watching a married man you love go back to his wife is not easy to move through. You may have obsessive thoughts about how he could say he loves you, yet drop you like that and go back to her.
“Are they having sex?”
“Was I just someone that put a bandaid on their pain, and now they are going to happily fix their marriage?”
“Do I tell the wife all the things he told me?”
These are such big questions that so many women ask. We have workshops about breaking free from obsessive thinking as well as healing when it seems that he moves on so fast in our membership community.
Seek support.
Going through a breakup with your affair partner alone can be emotionally overwhelming. If you feel comfortable, you can reach out to trusted friends and family members. Often this is a situation people don’t fully understand. They can love you dearly, and be a safe person, and yet not fully know how to support you in the best way.
If you haven’t yet revealed (and also don’t feel ready to reveal) your secret relationship to your loved ones, come find empathy, support, and understanding in our private community.
Our community is a place where you can express yourself and share your situation without fear of judgment. Sometimes the biggest key to healing is just being able to share freely, to hear your thoughts out loud, and to have your feelings validated. This affair support community is a safe space for you to process your feelings and feel seen and heard.
Many of these women can relate to experiences you’ve had, which may even help you gain a fresh perspective too.
“It is a place where women have shared experiences and can relate to each other without judgment. I would encourage joining the community. It is one of a kind and has really helped me on this painful journey.” — Community Member
Reflect on the relationship.
Take time to reflect on the dynamics of your affair and what the relationship meant to you. Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself:
When I’m getting caught in a spiral, how much blame and self judgment am I putting on myself?
Did he too have personal responsibility in this that he did not hold?
While I’m grieving all the highs, what were some lows or question marks in the relationship that I overlooked?
What needs or desires did the relationship fulfill for you that were not being fulfilled outside the affair?
It can be harder to heal when we put all the pressure on ourselves… and even harder when our affair partner doesn’t take responsibility for his part.
You may want to write these questions and answers down in a notebook or journal. Many women find writing their feelings down to be cathartic. I suggest splitting a page in two. Write out all the good on one side, and put some time and thought into the not so good on the other side.
Reflecting on these aspects can help you gain insight into yourself and help you build a more fulfilling relationship down the road when you feel ready.
Avoid self-blame.
It’s easy to fall into harsh self-blame and self-criticism after a breakup, especially if your affair partner cuts contact without explanation. This can easily leave you ruminating in circles, wondering “what was he thinking?” or “what could I have done differently?” or “did he always love his wife and I was just stupid and naive?”.
The hard truth is that the end of a relationship often involves factors beyond your control. Even if you had done “everything right”, the outcome could still be the same—it’s not your fault.
You may never get the explanation you desire and deserve from your AP. Be gentle with yourself and resist the urge to blame yourself for his decision.
“On good days, I know that no one should treat me the way he did. That feeling scared of his reactions and behaviors isn’t a life I want to have. That some of our connections were him studying me and giving me exactly what I wanted.” — Community Member
Practice self care.
It may sound a bit cliche, but practicing self care during a breakup can really make a significant impact on your healing journey.
You can decide what healthy self-care looks like for you, whether that’s reconnecting with old friends, venturing out to try new hobbies or practicing mindfulness and meditation at home.
Getting out in nature can also help you release some of the emotional energy you’re feeling after a breakup with your affair partner.
In the beginning, these practices may just be a way of distracting you enough to get through another day.
But eventually, you may notice a little light trickle into your life as you continue them. So if it doesn’t feel all that great at first, stick with it. It will get better.
Taking care of yourself is essential for healing and rebuilding your emotional resilience.
Focus on what you do want that you didn’t get.
He may have been your soulmate, but let’s not forget the fact that you had to hide your love for him from the world. What do you want your relationships to be like that wasn’t working in this dynamic?
That doesn’t mean letting go of the whole idea of him, but it does mean no longer tolerating any kind of love that leaves you compromising on your deepest desires: Commitment, integrity, honesty, truth, emotional safety.
What kind of growth do you see for yourself? What are your personal goals? What kind of relationship do you aspire to have in the future? Where do you want to be one year from now?
Use this opportunity for self-discovery and life you want to create moving forward.
He Cut Me Off — Will He Come Back?
If you’re feeling tempted to wait around for your affair partner to come back, you’re not alone—especially if this is a pattern of hot-and-cold, on-and-off you’ve been through before.
Your subconscious is now trained to want him back, and maybe even expect him to come back. Instead of asking the question “is he going to come back”, ask yourself: Do I want to continue feeling this much pain in an uncertain relationship? Would picking up where you left off really be what serves your highest good?
Foreseeing all possibilities aside, in the moment there are many unanswered questions when your affair partner suddenly cuts contact with you. These questions are painful and often keep you up at night.
“He ended our affair… will he come back?”
“Does my ex affair partner miss me?”
“Is he just going to go back to his wife like nothing ever happened”
“Did he really feel as strongly as he said he did?”
“It’s day 3 of no contact… what is he thinking?”
“Is his wife stopping him from talking to me, or did he really cut me out?”
How can you gain closure with these questions lingering in the back of your mind?
Here’s the thing about closure: It’s a gift you give yourself. Closure is ultimately an internal process, rather than something dependent on external factors or other people. You have the power to find acceptance for yourself, regardless of what your ex affair partner says or does. You can set yourself free.
If you’re searching for a clear cut path in how to get over an affair partner, you can also take comfort in knowing that healing is not a straight line. There will be ups and downs, and that’s okay.
It’s time to stop focusing on what he’s thinking and start thinking about your needs. This perspective shift is what will truly serve your healing and help you build back your identity and self-esteem.
Closing the Chapter on Your Affair
When your affair partner dumps you, it can take time to pick up the pieces and move on. Getting over your affair partner isn’t easy, but by seeking support, avoiding self-blame, focusing on the future, reflecting on your relationship, and allowing yourself to grieve you can begin to close that chapter and find peace.
Be patient with yourself and trust that getting over your affair partner is a gradual process. Allow yourself to feel your emotions fully and know that, with time, you will find peace and acceptance. Remember that you are worthy of love and happiness, and that healing is possible.
If you’re looking for someone to stand with you and hold space, let’s connect. I’m here to help you find your inner strength and feel like yourself again.
Whether you’re in the midst of an affair, reeling from the end of one, or just interested in learning about healthy love, the best place to start is on a discovery call with me (FREE).
More resources to support you in moving on from your affair relationship:
