“We’re Both Married and Having an Affair—Should I Leave My Husband?”
If you and your affair partner are both married and having an affair, you may be wondering if you should leave your husband so you can be together. Your affair partner has left you feeling deep love and highs you have never experienced before and but your husband is someone you can rely on, that stable base of love.
Is moving forward with your affair partner right for you? Is it wrong to leave your husband for this man you love? Do relationships that start as affairs last? Which person should you really be committing to?
This isn’t an easy question to answer, so it’s going to take time to figure out, and that’s okay.
But before you make any firm decisions, there are some things you’ll want to consider. This post will help you explore the possibilities in moving forward so you can make the best decision for your future.
“I’ve been married for 9 years. We have 3 beautiful children. My marriage wasn’t that great from the start… And as years kept passing, the intimacy kept withering. In the midst of being frustrated, trying to keep my marriage work, and getting back to being lovers and not housemates, I found myself in an affair with my boss.
In my quiet moments, I would cry so hard and ask God to take me out of the affair… but then when he calls or we meet I feel so good being around him. It was like 2 different people operating in one body.” – Woman’s Words
Married and Having an Affair? Here’s What to Think About Before You Commit to Your Affair Partner
There is a preconceived notion about the “type of woman” that enters an affair with a married man: unempathetic, promiscuous, selfish and often, selfish. However, this paints a narrative that doesn’t reflect an accurate picture of what it means to be the other woman.
The truth is that any woman can find themselves in an affair with a married man—including married women too. Yet there is very little space—and very little compassion—for married women who find themselves in an affair with a married man. It’s an isolating, deeply shaming and lonely road to be on.
Our society has a way of dehumanizing women who end up in an affair outside their marriage.
Whether it’s a physical affair, emotional affair, or both it’s important that we set judgment aside for all women in affairs—no matter their marital status.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from working with women who identify as the other woman, it’s that for all the similarities shared there are lots of unique differences in their circumstances too.
If you’re a married woman in an affair with a married man, know that this is a safe space for you.
Yes, your situation is individual to you—but I’m confident the women in our community, who have walked (or are walking) through their own affair journeys, would resonate with your story too. You’re not alone.
“The guilt has become overwhelming, making me feel like the worst woman ever. I’m divorcing, but he is not. We both feel like we’re in love, but it’s not enough. I’m constantly alone and lonely.
He has a life, a wife, and no exit plan. I’m praying for the strength to become the respectable woman I should have been all along.” — Woman’s Words
There’s no rush on deciding how you want to move forward, but the following tips will help you deal with the confusion that comes with being in an affair. They’ll also help you gain clarity on whether your marriage, your affair partner, or neither person is right for you.
Show yourself compassion.
As a married woman, you’ve probably been incredibly hard on yourself for ending up in an affair relationship. Getting caught up in an affair even though you’re married comes with a lot of shame and fear of judgment. You may even feel like you deserve the harsh criticisms society lays upon you.
“I’m undeserving of love and happiness because of what I’m doing.”
“I’m weak and incapable of resisting temptation.”
“I’m a terrible person, and I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.”
But you do deserve happiness, you aren’t weak, and you certainly aren’t a terrible person. You are only human, and you’ve found yourself in an affair for a reason.
But building the life you truly want—whatever that looks like—starts with showing yourself some kindness. Yes, you may have done some things you’re not proud of, but now is your opportunity to go deep in self-discovery.
It’s time for you to uncover what led you to where you are now so you can start creating a life that allows you to step out of the shadow of being the other woman as a married woman and into the person you really want to be.
Stop looking at it so black and white:
Should you stay or go? Should you end it for your affair partner or try and work on your marriage? When you look at it in this way, it may feel like you need to know the final answer TODAY… and yet you are so confused. It puts an immense amount of pressure on you.
It’s important to bring your focus much closer to where you are today. Take some time to think about this: What things fulfill you in a partnership? What important needs do you compromise?
“He tells me he doesn’t love her, he tells me it’s been over for years, that he sleeps in different rooms, that he’s told his friends, that he just has to negotiate the divorce for his future. Then I see photos on socials which completely goes against everything he’s told me… and I cry for days.” – Community Member
Start putting your needs first.
Affair relationship or not, women commonly abandon their needs. We have a tendency to put other people first—our family, our friends, and the needs of others always seem to be top priority.
So you’ve probably spent a lot of time considering the needs of your husband… and the needs of your affair partner. But what about you?
You deserve to have your needs met by a partner who is fully committed to you. However, understanding your needs has to come first before you can effectively communicate them.
What do you need in a romantic relationship in order to feel fulfilled?
How do you desire to be loved?
What do you want your partnership to look like?
What do you need in order to feel emotionally safe and vulnerable?
Some women find that journaling helps them organize their thoughts. If this resonates, download this free journal which contains 20 prompts to help you overcome confusion, take empowered action, and create lasting change.
Just because your marriage isn’t working doesn’t mean your affair is the right way forward—and vice versa. Take comfort in knowing there is no “right” answer—only the right path for you.
Commit to having a healthy relationship.
Some married women end up in affairs because they’re looking for validation and connection outside of an unhealthy or emotionally unavailable marriage. But just as often women can be drawn to an affair partner who is unhealthy or toxic for a variety of reasons.
The partner you commit to should be someone who is safe, supportive, can access and communicate his feelings honestly and builds you up. They shouldn’t manipulate you, intentionally hurt you, or gaslight you.
If you think you’re being used by a married man, look for the signs. If you think your husband or affair partner may be a narcissist, learn what you can expect when the relationship ends so you can move forward with a plan to protect yourself from psychological harm.
Whether you decide to move forward with your affair partner, your husband, or on your own, it’s important that you commit to having a healthy dynamic in your relationships. As an Affair Recovery Coach, I’m here to help you through the fog of an unhealthy relationship and support you in understanding what a healthy one should look and feel like, if you need it.
Reach out for support.
Reaching out for non-judgemental support is so important when you’re grappling with the complexities of your relationships. A lot of women struggle with finding a way to explain their affair situation to family and friends because of the guilt and shame they feel.
If this is true for you, I encourage you to drop into our support group. Feeling like you have to hide this part of your life is exhausting and it makes it even more difficult to work through. Our confidential support group for women in affairs is a safe place to share your story and be transparent about what you’re going through.
“I feel like it’s opened up a new perspective to me that allows me to create a healthier distance on my view of my own affair relationship. I regularly think about the stories and situations of the other women in the group, and my ability to feel angry and sad for them helps me feel the way I should be feeling for myself.
Hearing others’ stories removes the stigma, shows the diversity of situations and scenarios, and helps me feel a lot more self-acceptance and compassion.” –Community Member
Start Building the Future You Really Want
If you’re married and having an affair, you know how isolating and lonely it can be. You might feel like you’re the only married woman to have an affair with a married man, but you’re certainly not. You can start building the life, future, and relationship you desire—but it all starts with getting clear on what that means to you.
Ready to start uncovering what that looks like? Let’s connect on a call and see how I can support you on your journey. Your story is safe with me.
Learn more about finding your way through affair relationships:
