Why Isn’t Therapy Helping Me Break Up With My Affair Partner?
“I want to break up with my affair partner—but I feel stuck. I’m in therapy and I feel like it’s not helping.”
Being the other woman isn’t easy, and this is a common struggle many face: you’ve sought professional support, but you’re still unable to break free from the relationships and married man you fell for.
You’ve already taken a huge step forward by investing in support, yet you’re not moving toward your goal of ending the relationship.
You’re frustrated, disheartened, and sometimes you just feel like a failure.
So, what’s going wrong? In this post we’ll explore the challenges that come up when therapy isn’t working and the best way you can take another step forward.
“I sit on the therapy lounge, talk it out, and then get in the car to see my affair partner. He convinced me into sex when I was going to be strong and say no. At the end of the day I feel powerless and like I will never get anywhere” – Women’s Words
“I Want to Break Up With My Affair Partner—But I Need Support that Works”
Many women who become entangled with married men are actively trying to untangle themselves from him—so if you can relate, you’re not alone (and it’s not easy, I know, I was also there with my long term affair too).
Perhaps you were told to seek support and guidance, so you did. But despite paying for help, you aren’t making progress, or you aren’t making the progress you truly desire.
This can be really discouraging, and even make you question whether you’ll ever be able to leave the affair relationship for good.
Sometimes, the problem isn’t with you but with the support you’re receiving. Below you’ll find a list of what to look for in a coach, therapist, or mentor before you hire them to help you in your affair recovery journey.
“I wanted to know how to cope with being the other woman, but also how to heal after being the other woman too. I know it’s going to be a process so I need someone who will buckle down with me and stay through the storms.” — Woman’s Words
Affair breakup support with strength.
Therapists supporting women in affair relationships often focus on helping their clients connect to their inner truth and intuition. As the other woman, you may relate to feeling like you’ve come so far from yourself that you no longer trust your decisions. Your therapist or coach must be able to hold strength for you, making space for your truth until you’re ready.
If your therapist isn’t providing the strength and clarity you need, you might fall and lose confidence, making it even harder to break free.
For therapy or coaching to be effective, the therapist or coach needs to hold at least equal strength and a deep sense of clarity to your affair partner—or even more. If your therapist isn’t as strong, clear, or assertive as your affair partner, you might end up looking to your affair partner for the strength, clarity, support, and validation you need.
As an Affair Recovery Coach, I often support women who have strong men as their partners. Sometimes, their AP’s surety even comes from a place of violating what feels good for you and in fact is good for them. That’s when you need a coach of equal or greater directness and certainty—to help validate your needs and your intuition—something that you may have disconnected from long ago.
Guidance and accountability.
When you’re feeling lost and disconnected from your own truth, you need more than just encouragement; You need someone to help direct you toward your goal. This, of course, is a process that takes time.
Your coach should be able to build in actionable steps that feel reachable (even when it’s hard), and build up your strength to hold yourself accountable. Once you’re on the right path, they can step back and allow you to trust your intuition and make decisions on your own.
Personal experience and lived expertise.
Sharing with someone who’s been in your shoes can make being vulnerable feel a little more safe.
When I was in my own affair, I faced some interesting challenges in therapy. I was working with a psychologist who helped me connect with my inner truth, and while they were supportive they weren’t strong enough to help me break free.
I was frustrated because despite having them on my side, I was stuck.
It wasn’t until I started working with someone who had a strong, assertive approach that I was truly able to make changes in my life. This person helped me see that I was worth more than the situation I was in.
Their strength helped me make the decision to leave—and my world shifted dramatically in just a few months.
If I was in the same position again, I would look for someone who can do both: hold an emotional safe space and also be firm and formidable when necessary.
A great affair coach or therapist will help you feel so safe that your shame melts away. The voices that tell you that you aren’t good enough or that you don’t deserve better dissolve. Fear dissipates, and one day at a time you move towards healing.
Body language and energy.
It’s not unusual for clients, especially other women, to take on the emotions of your therapist / psychologist / coach without even knowing (especially if you’ve had the habit of doing this with your AP).
If your therapist hasn’t fully healed all their unconscious and generation wounds around betrayal, they too can be reactionary… especially when it comes to the topic of affairs.
As much as they are trained to not bring their stuff into the session, we are human. Although they may have a good poker face and can easily see your situation through a therapeutic lens, there may still be feelings under the surface you unconsciously pick up on.
It’s really important to honour what you are feeling. Don’t be so quick to take on their reaction and then shame and judge yourself more. It may in fact be their stuff that you are feeling not yours.
“I share with my therapist but feel yucky after. Sometimes I just cover things broadly and don’t fully tell the truth because I know that if I tell her she will be uneasy with what I am saying as much as she says ‘we are human and all make mistakes’” – Woman’s Words
Invest in Your Future Self and Move Forward
If you’ve told your coach “I want to break up with my affair partner” and you don’t feel like they’re the right fit for helping you make that change, don’t be afraid to move on.
You can find someone who has the understanding, compassion, and strength to help you through it; to hold you up while you regain your balance and move towards the goals and desires of your life.
Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. I’m here to support you every step of the way.
I offer a private support community and one-to-one coaching specifically for women in long-term affair relationships.
Book a discovery call with me (FREE) and we can get you set up with support that feels more aligned for you.
More on how to break up with your affair partner (if you’re ready):
