He Chose His Wife But Still Contacts Me—Am I Helping His Marriage?
“He chose his wife but still contacts me.”
Your affair partner made it clear that he chose his wife—but he’s still hanging onto your secret relationship too. He might rationalise his decision by saying “but you’re helping me with my marriage,” but is that really true?
Can he make it work with his wife and carry on a relationship with you at the same time? The answers are revealed in the deeper dynamics at play—-an underlying pattern that reveals his words for what they really mean.
In this post we’ll work through the confusion and bring some clarity as to why he’s claiming he needs you. Keep reading to learn what your AP is thinking—and whether you’re actually helping him in his marriage or not.
“He Chose His Wife But Still Contacts Me” — Explained
When you love a married man, your relationship is automatically complicated. But if the married man you’re seeing credits the health of his marital relationship to you, it can bring you through a rollercoaster of emotions.
If this sounds like you, you likely have some serious questions too:
“Why does he keep coming back to me?”
“Does he care about me, or is this married man using me?”
“Am I just a temporary solution?”
“Will he leave his wife eventually?”
“What happens when your marriage is ‘fixed’? Does that mean this will end?”
All of these are fair questions to being in this situation, and you deserve answers. While we may never know with 100% certainty what your AP is thinking, below are some possibilities.
You’re in a guilt trap.
When a married man says, “you’re helping me with my marriage,” it evokes a sense of responsibility and obligation. You’re not just involved, you are indebted to helping him through his marital difficulties—no matter what the consequences are for you.
You might feel that by following through with what is best for you, for example if you wanted to end the affair, that you would be at fault should his marriage collapse. This guilt can be a powerful tool used by your AP to keep you in the relationship longer than you should stay.
Many women who identify as “the other woman” often feel they owe it to their affair partner to “fix” the damage caused by their involvement. This feeling of indebtedness can be overwhelming, making it hard to step away, even when you know it’s the right thing to do.
You want what’s best for your partner, and that’s understandable. However, just remember that it’s okay to say no to supporting your partner if it puts you in a situation that’s compromising to you. If helping him means hurting you, it might be time to rethink your relationship.
“I know he’s not going to leave his wife. I just don’t know if I’m ready to end things with him. I did fall in love with him, so I don’t know if I’ll be unhappier not having him in my life than I am having him in my life when it’s convenient for him.” — Women’s Words
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He’s shifting responsibility.
By stating that you help him with his marriage to justify your relationship, your affair partner is shifting the responsibility for his marital issues onto you. When we look at this more closely, it’s a clear warning sign.
Your affair partner is essentially avoiding taking accountability for his actions and placing the burden of fixing his marriage on someone who is not part of it (you).
Remember: He is the one who made the choice to be unfaithful; he is the one responsible for his actions and the state of his marriage.
He may even go as far as to say “you made me fall” or “you really pursued me”.
Again, he’s the one in the marriage.
He should not be using you to create a healthier dynamic with his wife.
This isn’t just taking advantage of you, but he’s also avoiding what really needs to be addressed.
He’s showing objectification and disrespect.
When your partner places you as responsible for keeping his marriage together, it objectifies you. Instead of valuing you as a person with your own needs and feelings, he is using you as a tool to achieve a goal—making his marriage work.
This is incredibly disrespectful and painful to be on the receiving end of. You are not just a means to an end, but a person who deserves respect and consideration.
“I’ve broken this off so many times, because I know I deserve more, but here I am frozen in time. Knowing that we could be great, knowing that the energy we have is electric and playful and rare.
But that energy is what keeps me tied to him, most of the time I feel alone, disrespected, unimportant, and played.” — Community Member
He could be using manipulation and control.
This line of reasoning (you are helping me with my marriage) is often used as a manipulation tactic to keep you in the relationship. By making you accountable for the state of his marriage, he creates an emotional bind that can make it difficult for you to end things.
This manipulation can be a part of a broader pattern of tactics used in unhealthy relationships, making it even harder to break free.
Now let’s not forget, it feels incredibly good to be needed and valued. But his need and value toward you is fully misplaced. Make sure you tune into these feelings of being needed and relied upon by someone, and reflect if it’s coming from a healthy place.
There is a quiet way to find out what your pattern is really telling you.
What a Married Man Might Say About Staying in His Marriage (And With You)
If he’s mentioned before that you’re helping him with his marriage, here are some other things your affair partner might say:
“You’re helping me be a better husband.”
“I feel like I can be myself around you, which helps me show up better in my marriage.”
“You’re the only one who understands me; without you, I’d be lost.”
“Being with you makes me realise what I need to work on in my marriage.”
“If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have the strength to keep my family together.”
“You’re my escape from the stress at home; I need you to cope.”
“You’ve helped me be more patient and present with my kids.”
“I’m a calmer dad because of what you bring to my life.”
“Without you, I wouldn’t have the strength to deal with all the issues at home.”
“You give me hope that I can be a good father, even when things are hard.”
The reason why we get so easily trapped with these lines is because they all boost your sense of worth. You’re valued, needed—his world— which makes you feel wanted, loved, and cherished.
To add to this, one of the underlying wounds that shows up within people that get into affairs or uncommitted relationships is the fear of being abandoned or losing love. All these statements do the opposite of feeding this fear.
Yet if we can’t see through this, we get trapped because he’s putting the responsibility of his actions and his world on your shoulders. No matter his reasons or his intentions, it isn’t fair for him to put the burden of his marriage on you.
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You are not responsible for keeping his marriage together, so take that pressure off yourself—it was never yours to carry.
Learning to Put Yourself First
It’s crucial to remember that you are only responsible for yourself. You do not need to hold up your affair partner or manage his emotional well-being. If you notice patterns of manipulation and guilt-tripping, or if he’s playing the victim, it’s a sign that this relationship might not be healthy for you.
How do you know if it’s time to end an affair with your AP? Try this: Set a boundary with him and tell him that you cannot hold up his marriage, and notice how he reacts. Does he withdraw his love, distance himself, get angry, or try to push your boundaries aside to get what he wants?
If it’s not easy for you to honour yourself and for him to respect what you need to do for you, it’s a sign to prioritise your own needs and seek the support you deserve.
Find Hope and Healing for Yourself
The question: “He chose his wife, but he still contacts me—why?”
The answer: Your affair partner is prioritising his needs and desires instead of respecting and honouring you as a person with their own desires and needs too.
It’s great to be a supportive, compromising, and giving partner, but it should be for a person who’s willing to do the same for you.
Recognising his words and behaviours for what they truly mean can help you decide what your next best step should be. Clarity is key, and so is understanding your worth, in regaining your strength and moving forward.
If you’re struggling with ending an affair and need support, remember that you don’t have to go through this alone. I offer courses, a membership community, and one-on-one support to help you navigate these challenges and end the relationship for good.
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More insight into what your affair partner might be thinking:
