“Why is My Husband Yelling at Me?”
“Why is my husband yelling at me?”
“He says he’s just passionate and he cares alot… am I too sensitive?
“Why do I feel so small when he raises his voice?”
If the topic of your husband yelling at you has popped up in your mind a few times lately, you might feel confused by his behaviour. Why would the person you love—the person you married—raise his voice to you?
And how can you calm the waters.
“He says I push him to this point, that if I just listened, he wouldn’t get so angry.”
Perhaps this has even become a pattern in your relationship—leaving you feeling like you’re always walking on eggshells, always in trouble, or you’re always doing something wrong.
“I just want peace, but I end up sacrificing my feelings to keep it.”
“I hate conflict, I’d rather apologise and fill him with love and reassurance rather than argue.”
“I see he’s really struggling. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I just want to fill him with the love and support he needs… But I’m also breaking. But if I say something I know he will be hurt”
So why is this happening, and what can you do about it? In this blog, we’ll break down why he’s acting this way (and no, no matter how much you deeply love and care for him, it’s not excusable in any way). After reading this, you’ll have a better understanding of what could be going on and some options on what to do next.
Hi, I’m Kate – and for years I lost myself in relationships. Every relationship. I felt like a strong woman, and yet when I got into relationships I became weak.
I was so attracted to men who knew exactly what they wanted, without realising I had no needs of my own—I became the ‘easy girl’ who just went along with everything.
I felt safe with men who were strong, assertive, and protective, but when I wasn’t on their best side, I became the target of their anger instead of feeling protected.
I loved how decisive and confident he was, but over time I realised his decisions always overruled mine.
I thought his jealousy meant he cared, but it slowly turned into control over every aspect of my life.
I mistook dominance for love, and would lose myself completely – struggling to connect to the person I once was.
If you are in this position sometimes the light to liberation can feel far away but trust me you can absolutely get back your strength, emotional safety and fulfillment in your relationships.
Relationships should enrich you, not pull you under.
Why is My Husband Yelling at Me—Why is He So Angry?
Yelling in a relationship is not just a moment of heightened emotion, and no matter what he was feeling or what his explanation for yelling at you is, it’s not okay.
You may be an empath and be so fast to connect to his hurt and why he felt upset. It’s a beautiful quality to have, but sometimes without healthy boundaries this comes at a significant cost to your happiness and worth.
You can be empathetic and loving while not being walked over, and my desire is to get you to that strength within so you are treated with respect and care even through difficult moments in your relationship.
We can all relate to feeling angry, frustrated, and dealing with negative emotions—but how we deal with those emotions is always our responsibility. That means that your husband yelling at you can never be your fault.
The truth is that yelling, especially as a pattern, often represents a deeper, more serious issue.
While being yelled at feels wrong, what we often fail to acknowledge is that yelling is abuse. Abuse in relationships is not confined to physical violence. We often think that abuse is that terrible thing happening in other people’s homes, without realising you too could be subjected to abusive behaviour. Yelling is considered to be emotionally abusive and verbally abusive, and while it may not leave a mark it’s just as damaging as physical abuse.
Now before we go further, I want to share from personal experience it took me so long to acknowledge that the person I loved could be mistreating me.
Does any of this relate to you?
Hypervigilance & Anxiety – Walking on eggshells around him, never knowing when the next outburst will happen.
Self-Doubt & Confusion – Questioning if you’re the problem or if they’re right about you being “too sensitive.”
Fear & Emotional Withdrawal – Feeling unsafe expressing thoughts or emotions to avoid setting them off.
Low Self-Esteem – Internalising criticism and starting to believe you deserve the treatment.
Guilt & Blame-Shifting – Feeling responsible for their outbursts and trying to “fix” the relationship.
Isolation – Pulling away from friends and family to avoid judgement or having to explain the relationship.
Emotional Exhaustion – Feeling drained, constantly managing their emotions at the cost of your own.
Desensitisation to Unhealthy Behaviour – Accepting yelling as “normal” and minimising its impact over time.
Shame & Embarrassment – Feeling humiliated, especially if others witness the behaviour.
Loss of Identity – Becoming so focused on keeping them calm that you lose touch with your own needs and desires.
When we start to notice what someone is doing isn’t right, you may then question: did they ever love me?
Someone can still love and care for you deeply and have patterns within them that are inappropriate and not right.
If you’re reading this, take a deep breath. Accepting what you’re going through, and naming it as abusive behaviour, can be incredibly difficult to reckon with. It can also feel like we are betraying our loyalty to our partner when labeling their actions in this way. As much as it feels like this, your emotional safety, care, and respect must come as a priority to you. Know that you are worthy of support and you deserve so much better than to have someone be raising their voice at you.
How verbal abuse impacts you.
The fear of my partner’s words often sent what felt like a shock of lightning through my heart. This isn’t normal. Your nervous system should not be having to go in fight or flight around the person you love.
Short-term, being yelled at can leave a woman feeling frozen, fearful, and anxious. It can cause immediate emotional distress, leading to feelings of worthlessness, confusion, and a loss of confidence. The unpredictability of the yelling can make her feel as though she is constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing what might trigger the next outburst.
Long-term, the effects of being yelled at can be even more profound. Prolonged exposure to such behaviour can lead to chronic stress, healthy issues (I suffered from chronic fatigue for years due to emotional shut down) depression, and anxiety. It can erode self-esteem and result in feelings of isolation, as the woman may withdraw from friends and family to avoid embarrassment or further conflict.
Over time, she might internalise the blame, believing that she is the cause of the abuse, which can make it even harder to seek help or leave the relationship.
Notice your relationship with doubt and confusion:
What does your partner say when yelling at you? Often the language he uses can cause you to really doubt yourself. When you are in this state you then are quick to punish yourself instead of seeing the inappropriateness of their behaviour. For example, your husband may say things like:
“You never listen to me!” Making you feel unheard and like your opinions don’t matter.
“If you just did what I said, we wouldn’t have this problem!” You start blaming yourself and feeling like you can never do anything right.
”I didn’t mean it like that, stop twisting my words!” Causing you to doubt your own perception and question your reality.
“You’re overreacting!” Causing you to feel ashamed for expressing your feelings that you begin to suppress them.
“If you don’t like it, find someone else!” Making you feel disposable and afraid of being abandoned.
Connection and community is so important if you are going through this. So that you can step outside of the relationship and begin to see things clearly, communicate more confidently, and make decisions aligned for your highest good. If you want to find out more about my support community, click here.
So why is my partner yelling at me?
Yelling is a tool used to exert control and instill fear, diminishing your sense of self-worth and autonomy. It creates an environment of intimidation, and under these circumstances you’re much more likely to concede to his demands.
Yelling is verbal abuse, but it isn’t the only form of non-physical abuse. Other abusive behaviours in relationships include:
- Name-calling and insults: Does your husband call you names when he’s angry? Insults are designed to belittle and demean you, and they may leave you feeling powerless and worthless. No matter the circumstances, you do not deserve to be called names by your husband. In healthy relationships, even heated disagreements are met with mutual respect.
- Gaslighting: Does your partner ever deny something you’ve said or done—something you’re certain is true? This manipulative tactic is called gaslighting. Gaslighting in relationships will lead you to doubt your own reality and memories. It feels confusing, and like the other tactics here, it’s intended to diminish your self-worth. In a healthy relationship, your partner would never set out to diminish your self-worth, but rather uphold or even help you build upon it.
- Isolation: Does your husband complain about your friends and family—and do what they can to create distance between you and the people you love? By cutting you off from friends, family, and support systems, your partner can increase your dependency on them and limit your access to external perspectives (which threaten the perspective he wants you to have—the one where he gets to maintain control).
- Control over finances: Does your husband restrict your access to money, or dictate what you can and cannot spend money on? Controlling your spending decisions leaves you financially dependent on him which makes it difficult to leave the relationship—even when you’re subjected to abusive behaviours.
Understanding that these behaviours are abusive is the first step toward recognising the toxic dynamics in a relationship.
It’s important to note that abuse is a cycle, so yelling, name calling, and other abusive behaviours may not be happening every day or all the time.
However, if there is a pattern of disrespect in the relationship and you’re being made to feel like you’re less than, know that this isn’t the treatment you deserve.
You’re also not alone—and you can find solidarity with the other women who have walked in your shoes.
Love is Respect—Not Power and Control
“Why does my husband yell at me?”
“With the way he treats me, I’m sure my husband hates me”
“Everything is my fault… it seems like he always has a reason to be angry with me.”
In your husband’s mind, the only way to keep you in the relationship is by maintaining the upper hand.
Why? Here are a few possible explanations:
- Deflecting to protect their sense of self and failure to take responsibility.
- Insecurity and low self-esteem: Abusers may feel inadequate and use control and intimidation to compensate for their own feelings of inferiority.
- Learned behaviour: Exposure to abusive relationships in childhood can normalise such behaviours, leading individuals to replicate them in their own relationships.
- Desire for control: Abusers often have a deep need to dominate and control their partners to maintain a sense of power.
Many women in these types of relationships will recognise their husband’s yelling, isolation, and gaslighting as controlling behaviour, but taking that next step of calling it domestic abuse is very difficult.
A large part of this is the stigma abused women face. Women in abusive relationships don’t feel like they fit the perceived stereotype of “that type of woman”. The truth is that any woman can find herself in this kind of dynamic with her partner.
It’s essential to understand that abuse is never the victim’s fault.
Many women find themselves in abusive relationships due to manipulation tactics such as love bombing, where the abuser overwhelms them with affection and attention in the early stages.
This creates a powerful emotional bond, making it difficult to recognise or leave the abusive pattern when it starts.
However, their actions are not justified, and you are not to blame for their choices.
It’s vital to remember that abusers often manipulate their partners into feeling responsible for the abuse, but the responsibility lies solely with the abuser.
Understanding Reactive Abuse
In abusive relationships, victims may find themselves reacting in ways that seem uncharacteristic or “crazy.” This phenomenon is known as reactive abuse, where the victim responds to prolonged emotional or verbal attacks with outbursts of their own. The abuser may then use these reactions to justify their behaviour or paint the victim as the aggressor.
It’s crucial to understand that these reactions are normal responses to abnormal and toxic situations. The constant stress, fear, and emotional manipulation can lead anyone to a breaking point. Examples of reactive abuse include shouting back, crying uncontrollably, or even becoming physically defensive. Abusers often exploit these reactions to shift blame and portray themselves as the victim.
You are not “crazy” for feeling overwhelmed, angry, or desperate. Your emotional responses are a sign of the intense stress and manipulation you are enduring. It’s important to seek support and understand that these reactions are a natural response to being pushed beyond your limits.
Next Steps: Finding Clarity and Support
If you recognise these patterns in your relationship, know that you are not alone, and it is possible to find clarity amidst the chaos. You deserve support, understanding, and a path forward that focuses on your well-being. Your healing journey—whatever that looks like—requires patience, self-compassion, and the right support system.
I work with women who have been in relationships with an uneven power dynamic—and I can help you clarify your feelings, explore what you really want, and help you feel empowered again.
I invite you to reach out for a discovery call. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Let’s take the first step toward reclaiming your peace and autonomy.
