Signs of Emotional Dependency: What it is and Why it Happens
Could emotional dependency be at the core of your biggest relationship challenges? It’s only natural to seek support from your partner during your relationship. We all have emotional needs, and these are a normal and healthy part of human connection.
However, an unhealthy level of emotional dependency can become toxic in relationships too. If all of your emotional needs fall on your partner, it can lead to fear, insecurity, or an inability to cope independently.
The level at which this impacts your life can also depend on your partner. If there is an imbalance in your relationship—and your boyfriend or partner holds all the power—you may feel locked in a cycle of dependency that’s difficult to break free from.
But no matter what your relationship looks like, or how much you struggle with emotional dependency, there is hope, light, and peace waiting for you on the other side.
I was someone who used to lose myself in every relationship that I got into. This is a key sign of dependency and leaky boundaries.
If you too resonate with this, keep reading to learn what emotional dependency is, what the signs are, and how to become less emotionally dependent in your relationships.
What is Emotional Dependency?
Before we dive into where emotional dependency comes from and what to do about it, it’s helpful to clearly define what it is.
Emotional dependency occurs when a person relies excessively on others for validation, self-worth, and emotional security. It often manifests in relationships where one person feels they cannot function or feel whole without the constant support or approval of another.
Do you ever feel like “if they are happy I’m happy, but if they aren’t happy I’m not good either”?
This could be a sign that you’re riding the rollercoaster of other’s emotions without being able to fully hold your own. Don’t worry, my whole mission is to help you break free from this attachment challenge.
Here are some examples of emotional dependency:
You find yourself checking in with your partner often to ask if they still love you or if they’re mad at you.
You rely on your partner to make every decision, big or small, because you don’t trust your own judgment (or their reaction to your own judgment).
You ignore your own feelings, interests, and needs to keep your partner happy or avoid conflict.
You feel empty when your partner isn’t around or actively showing affection.
Your anxiety heightens when your partner seems preoccupied, and you worry they’ve lost interest in you.
You need your partner’s comfort and validation to handle stress, sadness, or frustration.
Even if your relationship is unfulfilling or even toxic, being alone may feel even more terrifying and unbearable. In this way, emotional dependency can lead you to stay in unhealthy relationships, or even abusive relationships, too.
Why Do Some Women Become Emotionally Dependent?
If you struggle with emotional dependency, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. This way of existing in relationships often stems from past experiences of a lack of real emotional safety and attunement which then shape our internal belief systems.
Common underlying causes include:
Negative childhood experiences. Growing up in an environment where love and validation were conditional can create deep-seated fears of abandonment. Women who grow up with these past experiences may feel like they have to “get everything right” to “earn” love from your partner.
Low self-esteem from a lack of emotional stability. If you don’t feel stable in your relationship where your partner’s actions are consistent, loving, and respectful then naturally you are going to be on rocky footing. There are many reasons you may develop low self-esteem. No matter the underlying cause, a lack of self-confidence can make a person seek external validation to feel worthy.
Unresolved trauma. Past emotional wounds, such as rejection or neglect, can lead to patterns of dependency in adult relationships. We often lean into people or experiences that model the love we did or didn’t get. So although you may be experiencing pain in the relationship it can feel incredibly frightening to set boundaries if you fear losing their love. An anxious attachment style, which can be developed in infancy, can also lead to emotional dependence in relationships.
Exposure to dependent relationships. Did one of your parents exhibit similar behaviour in their relationship? Perhaps you’ve even experienced a relationship where both people struggled with dependency. Being raised around or being a part of relationships where one person depends entirely on another for emotional needs can normalise dependency. Dependency on the outside can also look like “extremely healthy love” because two people are so attached. But if we dive into the energetics of the two people it’s not fully grounded in a calm and peaceful freedom.
A fear of being alone. A strong fear of loneliness can make women cling to relationships, even unhealthy ones. The idea of such a change to their life, however positive, can feel more frightening than staying in the relationship.
Emotional dependence and abusive relationships.
Does your partner ever make you feel powerless, unworthy, or incapable of functioning without them? Many women in abusive relationships develop emotional dependency, often as a result of manipulation, fear, and the cycle of abuse.
Abusers use tactics like intimidation, gaslighting, and manipulation to lead their victims into doubting their own judgement and reality. As a result, they look to him for validation and decision-making.
Over time you really begin to believe your partner. Being the closest one in your life they can have the greatest influence on you.
If your partner is abusive, they may also make comments that make you feel utterly unworthy—as if this relationship ends you’ll be alone forever (which is not true). This can lead to a fear of abandonment and being alone, which further reinforces the unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Abusive relationships are also full of intense ups and downs. Period of love and kindness followed by anger and cruelty. This roller coaster can lead to an experience of trauma bonding, which is an emotional attachment to the abuser due as a result of intermittent reinforcement. This strong psychological bond makes it difficult to leave.
It’s also important to understand how a loss of self-identity can contribute to emotional dependency. When your abusive partner dictates your emotions, behaviours, and thoughts, you become dependent on him to define who you are.
You may even be aware of how detached you are from your own wants, needs, and desires—but at the same time feel confused as to why this loss of identity is happening.
Untangling yourself from this kind of relationship isn’t easy, but emotional dependency is something that can be unlearned with time and support.
If you’re in a relationship that doesn’t bring you complete physical and psychological safety, know you deserve so much better—and that you are worthy of reaching out for help today.
How to Overcome Emotional Dependency
If moving towards healthier relationships—with others and with yourself—feels like a difficult hill to climb, you’re not alone.
Today, my life is filled with joy, deep connection, strength, confidence and freedom.
But it wasn’t always that way.
When I was tangled up in an affair with my boss for several years, I lost myself in ways I never could have imagined. The power imbalance (not only was he my boss, but there was also a significant age gap between us) and the isolation (we were in the outback, away from my family, friends, and the life I’d known) kept me stuck in shame, guilt, and fear.
I stayed silent, carrying the weight of that experience alone.
But the silence only deepened my pain and… left me feeling powerless.
Until I found the courage to speak out.
One of the greatest gifts I’ve ever given myself has been opening up and being fully vulnerable about what I’ve been through. By sharing my story, I’ve found the light on the other side.
That experience set me on a mission to help others who’ve been on the other side of an unequal relationship—a relationship where women have felt unworthy, unvalued, and unseen.
Today, I can see patterns so clearly. I’m no longer pulled into experiences that cause me to lose myself in love or in friendship. I’m able to set clear healthy boundaries. I no longer put people on pedestals, above me thinking they have something I don’t. Life becomes easy when you start to have a healthy sense of control over your life and emotions.
As a coach for women, I’ve been able to connect with hundreds of other women who’ve found themselves in similar situations and watched them transform into women fortified by their strength and clarity.
In the safe space we’ve created together, the guilt, fear, and shame melts away. From this empowered place, the women in our community find healing.
If you feel called to connect with women who listen without judgement and can understand some of what you’re going through, I hope you’ll join us in our private community.
If 1:1 support would be a safer space for you, you can sign up for my private coaching program. Everything we discuss together is confidential; your story is safe with me.
The first step is stepping into a discovery call (free) with me. I meet every woman before we start coaching or they join our private community to ensure safety and peace for all.
Break Free from Emotional Dependence
You deserve to see what life looks like on the other side of emotional dependency. Being dependent on someone is totally natural, but if you feel like the extent to which you seek reassurance, validation, and approval isn’t healthy, it’s okay to seek change.
I’m here to walk this journey alongside you, when you’re ready. Connect with me and let’s talk about your next steps towards peace—whatever that looks like for you.
