How to Get Over an Affair Partner | Mindset Shifts for Moving On
If you’re looking for advice on how to get over an affair partner, you may be starting to realise that it’s no easy feat. When you’re deeply involved or in love with a married man, walking away can take its toll on you mentally, emotionally, and even physically.
Relationships are usually difficult to untangle when it comes to the end—but leaving an affair partner (AP) comes with a unique set of hurdles when you’re trying to detach. This may mean making multiple attempts to end the relationship with your affair partner before you are successful.
In this blog, we’re going to be sharing the mindset shifts you can make to get some space from the married man you’re seeing and allow you to gain perspective on what you really want for your life.
Looking for a little insight from an expert in affair relationships? As someone who has been in your shoes as the other woman, I’m dedicated to helping other women learn to prioritise their needs and no longer feel alone on the journey.
Let’s connect if you’re ready to uncover your next best move—whether that means moving forward with your AP or moving on.
Book a discovery call with me (FREE) if you’re ready to explore your options for support together.
Learning How to Get Over an Affair Partner
Getting over an affair takes time—but you can equip yourself with the tools you need to walk away (and stay away) from your AP for good. At the foundation of this transition are some mindset shifts that can help you gain a new, empowered perspective on your affair relationship.
Keep reading to discover the four mindset shifts that can help you end an affair with the married man in your life.
#1 – You think nobody else can love you like him.
Believing his love is incomparably superior to any possible future love is one of the most common—and debilitating—stories women in affairs tell themselves.
One reason ending an extramarital affair can be so difficult is the intoxicating highs and lows that come with dating a married man. He may be the first person to make you feel so swept up in a relationship, and this overwhelming excitement can lead you to believe that no other connection could possibly compare.
Maybe he loves you just the way you like it.
Maybe he talks to you exactly the way you want him to.
Maybe he tell’s you no one can love you like him, so much that you have started to believe his words as truth.
Maybe you haven’t connected with someone on the same level as you connect with him.
There’s an intensity to your love that keeps you hanging on… even when the relationship takes a turn for the worse. The idea of ending it with your AP brings on a rising panic inside because you believe that without him you’re destined to be alone forever—which simply isn’t true.
“I absolutely thought my affair partner was “my person”. I thought he understood me, saw me, felt me like no one else. I thought he and I had that passionate romance that I’d always wanted.” — Community Member
The mindset shift: Acknowledge his love isn’t all you’ve made it out to be. You’ve elevated him in your mind to a level higher—likely way higher—than what he’s really earned. Yes, the good times are good. But the reality is that the lows hit you hard too.
In fact, when you look at his behaviour in black and white, he doesn’t really treat you that great. Sure, he shows up sometimes. But at the end of the day, he only leaves you with enough breadcrumbs to keep you hanging on.
Writing down the pros and cons of your relationship is a simple exercise that can help you gain perspective on the reality of your relationship and what the married man you’re seeing really brings to the table.
You can also download these helpful (and free) journal prompts: How to End it for Good Without Going Back. These prompts are designed to get you out of confusion and into clarity so you can build the future and relationship you really want.
#2 – This relationship takes care of a deep, unfulfilled need.
When your affair partner gives you the attention you long for, it feels so good. But alongside the excitement and butterflies, it also fills a deep need for love and acceptance. This in and of itself is not necessarily a negative trait—we all desire to be loved!
But unfortunately, you’re seeking it from the wrong person. Your affair partner is unable to commit, which leaves you feeling uncertain and compromises your sense of confidence. If you didn’t have any doubts, you probably wouldn’t even be reading this; you’d be out there living your best life as HIS PRIORITY. Instead, you’re settling for whatever you can get—without realising you’re worth so much more.
The mindset shift: Recognize the unhealthy cycle of your affair relationship. Remember that even though your married affair partner meets your needs for love and affection at times, this is only temporary. Eventually, the see-saw of emotions always leads you back to feeling miserable again.
You are worth so much more than what you’re settling for. You CAN build a relationship with someone who meets your mental, emotional, and physical needs without the downs that come with investing your all into a married man.
There’s more to life. There’s better! It’s time to deem yourself worthy of your wants and desires and resolve to put yourself first.
#3 – You’ve found ways to justify your relationship with a married man.
Being involved with a married man isn’t an easy relationship to navigate. However, if you can find ways to justify your relationship, it can blind you to the psychological toll it actually takes on you as the other woman.
You tell yourself: If this makes me happy, why should I leave? Perhaps you’ve done enough mental gymnastics to even convince yourself that it’s your affair partner’s wife who is in the wrong here.
Your mind will find a way to make sense of your relationship so it can continue in the foreseeable future. But as much as you try to set reality aside, it’s only a matter of time until it sinks in—and how this relationship has truly impacted you, your life, and your future will eventually lay a devastating blow.
The mindset shift: Be gentle—but honest—with yourself. It’s time to stop explaining your decisions away and start accepting what your relationship truly is. You may not have always made the “right” decision, but we are naturally wired to avoid conflict and stay within our comfort zones. You’re only human, and it’s okay to accept that you’ve made the best decisions you could up to this point. Now, it’s your responsibility to make better choices—ones that get you to the healthy relationship you actually desire.
Remember: This affair is just a chapter in your life. You still have a long life ahead of you, and you can write your story the way you want to.
#4 – He has become the focus of your life.
Somewhere along the way, this affair has consumed you completely—from the inside out.
Your self-care is no longer a priority.
Your hobbies have fallen to the wayside.
Your loved ones haven’t seen you in a while—even your closest friends are in the dark.
You’re consumed by shame and guilt.
Your thoughts are just about him and nothing else.
You’re waiting to meet your partner’s needs at any moment… even if it means tossing your own needs out of the window.
The energy and attention he gives you is an addictive but temporary high. The lows in between make you feel foggy, stuck, and depressed. Over time, you’ve come to second guess your every move. You’re constantly trying to anticipate his needs so you can get his approval. But in exchange, you’ve given up your identity, sense of confidence, and power.
“At times, I find myself sneaking around, haunted by obsessive thoughts about his well-being. It can become physically and emotionally overwhelming.” — Woman’s Words
The mindset shift: Focus on building up your identity again. When you’ve lost yourself, focusing on you can mean starting all over again. It’s difficult, and it can feel daunting. But it can also open so many doors for you—doors with endless opportunities for growth. You can be whoever you want to be… but first, you have to be willing to put in some time for reflection.
When you find your thoughts drifting towards his wants and needs, remember to ask yourself: Is this what I want? What’s best for me? You can start small, but begin putting more time into your life outside of this relationship—your family, friends, and hobbies. You are a whole person outside of your affair relationship, and you deserve to live a full, joy-filled life.
Make Space for the Life and Relationship You Really Want
Learning how to get over an affair partner can be a complicated web to untangle, but with the right mindset shifts you can gain the confidence you need to move on.
If you can…
- Acknowledge his love isn’t all you’ve made it out to be
- Recognize the unhealthy cycle of your affair relationship
- Be gentle—but honest—with yourself
- Focus on building up your identity again
…you can start moving towards the love and partnership you really want—and deserve.
Change takes time. While you’re working on these mindset shifts, consider joining our private community. Our supportive community is full of women who share similar experiences, so they get what you’re going through.
Looking for more 1-1 support? Let’s talk about how private coaching could help you through this transitional period in your life.
The first step is connecting with me on a FREE discovery call. It’s your opportunity to share your story and get connected with the right resources for you. You’re not alone—I’m here to walk alongside you.
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