What to Do When Your Affair Partner Keeps Reaching Out
Your affair partner keeps reaching out—even though you’ve asked for space or tried to limit contact. So what should you do? It’s hard enough to slow down (or hit the brakes) on your relationship when there are strong feelings involved… but it’s even more difficult when he’s constantly calling and texting you.
If your affair partner keeps reaching out, it can feel impossible to walk away or cut off contact for good—even if you’re leaning towards that being the best thing for you. As the other woman, you end up focusing on his feelings rather than prioritizing your needs.
In this post, we’ll discuss the various reasons why you might be delaying breaking up—and how you can overcome the guilt and uncertainty you feel around ending an affair with the married man you’re dating.
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So Your Affair Partner Keeps Reaching Out—Now What?
If your affair partner is pressuring you to stay in contact, it’s important to acknowledge where you’re at right now. The truth is that it’s exhausting to ebb in and out of this state of limbo in your relationship. One minute you’re on, the next you’re off, and while this might last for a time, it never sticks—he always finds his way back into your life again.
Besides, the pain of breaking up often feels much worse than the pain of being together so when he does reach out, although it sends you back to the start, it can feel like a wave of relief rushes over you finally freeing you from the overwhelming grief.
If he’s reaching out to you or trying to maintain contact, here’s what that may sound like in his words:
“I still believe in us…. even if you don’t.”
“I wish this were easier… I really do, but I won’t quit on you.”
“We might not be ‘forever’ but it’s what’s best for both of us right now”
“How can you do this to us—to me? How can you just walk away from all that we have?”
“I can’t walk away from us… not as easily as you’re able to.”
“We are so happy when we are together, why do this to yourself? I don’t want you to hurt like you are hurting right now”
“I miss you, I miss us, there will never be anything like what we have.”
Of course, your situation is unique—but like other women in relationships with married men, these words may be familiar to you.
The question is: What’s really happening behind these phrases? What should you do when he does initiate contact? What’s really standing in your way from ending it (or taking space), and how can you move on (if that’s truly what you want)?
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Let’s explore what might be going on behind the scenes mentally and emotionally as a result of continued communication.
You’re putting your affair partner’s feelings before your own.
Even though you might know in your heart what’s right for you, at the end of the day you find yourself willing to put that aside for him. Perhaps this matches an existing pattern within your affair relationship: A willingness to put yourself last to protect him from any uncomfortable feelings.
What he says:
“You were my source of happiness. Without you, I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again.”
In a way, his happiness has become your happiness. You may even lose sight of what you want because you’re consumed with making sure your AP is okay. In this dynamic, it’s become your responsibility to defer to him and his well-being.
You feel bad for him—even guilty for putting him through emotional pain.
With everything your AP has going on, you may feel too overwhelmed with guilt to say how you feel at the risk of making him feel worse. He might be under pressure at work, expressing stress in his home life, or be dealing with other difficult life circumstances.
What he says:
“I’ve been going through a rough time lately, and now this. I guess I can’t catch a break.”
In this case, it doesn’t feel right to burden him right now. Instead, you continue with the relationship instead of honouring yourself and your needs. You may even decide, internally, to consider breaking up again once his life becomes more stable. But as it goes, it never really does, and through it all he expresses his need for you.
There is a quiet way to find out what your pattern is really telling you.
You’re worried about finding a connection that compares.
Feeling doubt about limiting or eliminating contact with a married man you’re dating? This uncertainty could stem from an underlying fear that if you cut off this connection, you’ll never find another one that’s as good as what you have.
Your AP has expressed many times just how special your connection is—and even though he doesn’t meet all of your needs, you do feel a strong connection towards him emotionally and physically. This can make setting boundaries feel even more risky.
What he says:
“We had something unique and irreplaceable. I don’t know if I can ever find someone who understands me like you do.”
Not only are you worried about depriving yourself of this special connection, but it furthers your guilt thinking you’re doing the same to him too. This fear and doubt keeps you open to maintaining connection with your affair partner even after you’ve tried to step back.
Why Does Breaking Up With a Cheater Make Me Feel Guilty?
As the other woman, you’ve probably already asked yourself: Why do I feel bad breaking up with a cheater? While it’s a great question, it doesn’t necessarily take into account the intricacies of your relationship.
Yes, the man you’re seeing is married. But that doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t real, tangible, and involves deep feelings.
But at the same time, there’s a reason you get an uncomfortable knot in your stomach when he reaches out. Simply put, it could be this: you know he’s getting exactly what he wants.
When he reaches out, he’s successful at gaining your attention, energy, and sometimes even your affection. The on-and-off cycle of your relationship may even begin again. But as long as you’re back on, for now he seems content.
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That’s a reality that can be tough to face, especially when you’ve worked so hard at setting boundaries or standing up for what you really need in a relationship. First, remember that setting boundaries takes practice. Even if you haven’t been successful in limiting contact yet, you have every right to keep trying.
Second, cut yourself some slack. When you care for someone—when you love them—it’s not easy to walk away under any circumstances.
No matter what happens as a result of his efforts to reignite contact, don’t let the outcome make you feel like you are vulnerable, weak, or worthy of anything less than the kind of relationship you deserve.
Just remember that, ultimately, the only person you’re obligated to make happy is yourself. If this relationship isn’t what you really want, or you feel like it’s draining more than it’s giving you, the decision is in your hands (even though it might not always feel like it). Only you can decide what’s best for you—whether that’s rekindling your romance or ending it.
How to End an Affair with a Married Man for Good
It’s not easy to navigate a situation where your affair partner keeps reaching out or refuses to let the relationship simply end. But by reading through this blog, you’ve already taken the first step in dealing with the circumstances as best as you can.
By zooming out and getting a greater perspective on your situation, you’ve equipped yourself to think more clearly and come to a thoughtful decision about what’s best for you.
But remember there is more support waiting for you if you need it. As an Affair Recovery Coach, I help you make the best next move for yourself, whether you’re in an active affair relationship, no longer in the affair relationship, or somewhere in between.
Book a discovery call with me now and we can chat about working together. It’s 15-minutes, commitment free, and our opportunity to meet before you decide if coaching is what you need.
Question 1 of 6
Pick one to carry on — “none of these” counts.
Six questions, about ninety seconds. Private. You can stop at any point.
Where are you at? — ✓ You answered this at the top of the page. Change it.
How do you deal with an affair ending? If you need them, more resources can be found here:
