One of my clients, Jenny, realized that her affair is draining her out and tearing her soul apart. She just wanted all of this to stop. When she met him, she wanted to tell him that this is the end.
But..
..she fell for the pleasure this relationship gave her. Not just sexual pleasure – that’s barely a part of it. But the emotional escape this relationship brings is a different kind of high and thrill you’ve never experienced.
“The gravitational pull of an extra marital affair is so strong that it keeps you inside this infinite spiral turbulence forever. The reason why you feel stuck in life.”
She was back into this vicious cycle because she didn’t know how to handle this wave of feelings that held her right there.
The same thing is happening to you and that’s why you’re stuck in this unhealthy affair even though you know it very well that you two have no future together.
This happens because there are several emotional forces at play here. Let’s look at what’s keeping you hooked to your affair partner.
You think nobody else can love you like him
This is one of the most common and debilitating lies women in affairs tell themselves. Yes, he may be the first to make you feel this way. But what’s making you feel like this is this addictive need to be loved and accepted. Unfortunately, you’re seeking it from a wrong someone – someone who is uncertain and therefore endangering your confidence in life. You know that this affair has no real outcome. If it really did and if it did matter to him, you wouldn’t be out here reading this. You’d be out there living your best life as HIS PRIORITY.
This should tell you that this isn’t the love and life you deserve. There’s more to life. There’s better. You should just deem yourself worthy of your wants and desires first.
But right now, you’re in a state where you feel happy with whatever you have and welcoming + accepting whatever little you’re getting. But, at the end of the day, you’re a living breathing human being.
And we humans have needs – mental, emotional, physical, sexual needs.
We want to come home to someone with open arms. We want to be loved and accepted. These are our very basic needs. And obviously, in an extra marital affair like this, these needs are not met consistently. This uncertainty is leaving you feeling desperate and anxious. These unmet needs are leaving you worse than you were before. You see? How this cycle is repeating itself? But then again, when he shows up, all of these needs “look” like they’re satiated. But that’s a fleeting moment. This IS temporary and you go back to feeling miserable again. This see-saw of an emotional ride is what’s keeping you stuck. Because you’ve begun to expect uncertainty even though it’s highly toxic.
This relationship is taking care of a deep unfulfilled need
Ending an extramarital affair is hard because it is taking care of a deep need that has been left unfulfilled for a long time.
Maybe he loves you just the way you like it.
Maybe he talks to you just the way you want him to.
Whatever it is, this relationship, although unhealthy for you and your future life; it is fulfilling a deep emotional need you desire, but are deprived of.
The yearning and longing to fulfill this need is so much that it’s more than this affair itself. Even if it means losing yourself to be loved by him, you choose it, you stay inside of it and then feel miserable once you’re back to your senses.
This happens because your external reality is not matching up with what you truly want.
This results in episodes of anxiety, guilt, uneasiness and a feeling of being directionless. You often feel like you’re headed nowhere. Anything that feels uncertain or ‘not quite right’ can really encourage these kinds of emotions. This triggers fight-or-flight responses in your body which present as anxiety – panicky feelings, pounding heart etc.
Even you’re not your own priority anymore and there’s no one to take care of you — making you feel miserable. Endlessly.
But, it doesn’t mean that there’s no way out. Jenny, got out of confusion and doubt, took a chance on herself and finally got out of her affair and has never felt better! She now feels free and leads a happy, fulfilled life without feeling torn and incomplete all the time.
You justify this relationship in all possible ways
You tell yourself — if this makes me happy, why should I leave? Fair enough. You may think that you finally found the right person. You may think that his wife is the wrong person here. You even justify living a double life sometimes. You just want this to go on for as long as it can because you feel good in this relationship.
It’s hard to break up with a person you truly love when you’re already missing him terribly. You miss the cuddles, the feeling of being special, the pleasure. But all this will fade away one day when the impact of what you don’t receive in the relationship is consuming you more than the temporary highs.
How long has it been you went out with yourself? Not to do a chore but to treat yourself, to get a haircut or meet a friend/family member.
Leaving him may hurt you and even haunt you for a while, but don’t let that consume you. Because you are worth more than being consumed by this love fix that’s not maintainable.
Just know that it won’t hurt forever. You will eventually break out of this slump. Even if you think you won’t be the same, as a coach, I can tell you that these are the stories your fight-and-flight reptilian mind (how our mind actually works) is cooking up to keep you in your comfort zone. And you very well know that people feel stuck because they’re stuck to feeling comfortable. Nothing good happens there.
Just remember that this affair is just a chapter in your life. You still have a long life ahead of you and you can write it the way you want to.
Another reason you don’t move from where you are because..
You have nothing else to lean on
This affair has consumed you completely- inside out. You may deny it but tell me if this isn’t true for you:
- You have no hobbies
- You have no friends anymore
- You don’t meet up with work colleagues either – ZERO social life
- Your self-care is not a priority anymore
- Your family is not a priority anymore
- You’re ashamed of this affair
- You don’t even talk about this to your best friend
- You feel guilty to put his wife through this and at the same time, you wish his wife left him
- You feel like a home wrecker
- You hate being his mistress
- You imagine being his wife even though your opinions are no longer relevant
- Your thoughts are just about him and nothing else
- You’re constantly second-guessing yourself and overthink your decisions – even the silly ones like making breakfast
- You let false imaginations manifest even though you know you two can’t have a normal life together
- You’re waiting to serve and meet your partner’s needs even if it means tossing your own needs out of the window
I’m sure you’re nodding and agreeing to me. This is extremely common. You often get so wrapped up in your partner that everything else fades away. Your thoughts are so consumed in this relationship that you stop meeting friends. Subsequently, you start feeling unclear, foggy, stuck, depressed or like you can’t see what’s next for you. This leads on from the previous one. The more you doubt yourself the more your internal compass gets numbed. You start to feel stagnant, numb, sluggish.
Or, if you ever feel like you’re on autopilot, doing things just for the sake of it, it’s time to fill that void and take your power back.
You can either book a 1:1 call with me to talk about what you think about your affair and what your next step should be or Teach Yourself to Thrive here. Because your future is waiting for you on the other side of this affair.
Kate London,
Affair Recovery Coach
Your future belongs to you!
