You’re reluctant to stop dating your married boyfriend because you keep telling some unhealthy stories to yourself. These stories are keeping you stuck and stagnant.
Some of the most common negative stories you tell yourself are:
- I will never meet anyone like him
- I will never meet anyone better than him
- Actually, I don’t even want anyone better than him, I just want him!
- He is my best friend and I don’t want to lose him
- I’ll have no one to share my joy with
- If I leave I will lose his love
- Nobody gets me like him. He understands me the best
- He loves me more than anyone else in this world
- If I leave, he will kill himself
- If I leave him, I’ll be devastated and I’ll have nothing left in this life to do
- If I stop a sexual relationship with him our relationship will no longer be as connected or what if he treats me poorly at work?
- If I stop a sexual relationship with him he will move straight onto another woman or his wife
- If I leave he will abuse his wife in frustration
- If I leave, his emotions will impact his kids’ happiness
- My life will be better if I just stay with him one more year
- I won’t be able to grow in my career if I break up with him
- What if he threatens to tell my family/work/his wife about this affair
- What if he asks me to leave my job
- If I break up he’ll lose all the respect he has for me
- If I break up his business will tumble because I play such an important role in his business
- If I break up I’ll have to move my house/pay rent/buy a car
Stop.
I know you’re already believing all these stories inside your head.
This is not reality. This is just your fear talking to you. This is your fear keeping you stuck so that you feel safe. This is just a feeling. Nothing more.
Yes, some things you said here may hurt you, but if you read the list again, you’ll know that most of them are logistical inconveniences you CAN deal with all by yourself without needing a man! Especially, this married man.
So how do you fix this mess and stop dating this married man?
Create a support system and tie it to a life goal
Because you are only as strong as your motivation
These are things you’re ashamed to share even with your best friend.
And in case you’ve shared it with her, she doesn’t fully get what you’ve got yourself into. So you refrain from sharing the details, the little joys. This bottling up has been killing you slowly and this is what you want to break free from.
Your strength comes when you can feed off others who aren’t emotionally invested in this situation and experience. Others who can offer perspectives looking from the outside in, that you may have never considered.
It’s a human psychology fact that we often repeat 95% of our thoughts and grind the same thoughts over and over to make it a habit.
Therefore, if you are trying to solve today’s challenges with the same thinking as yesterday and last month you aren’t going to get any closer to change. It’s time to invite support in. So you are not carrying the burden of these emotions and experience alone. When you have someone to share your challenges with, without judging you and someone who trusts you, you WILL gain back your strength. And that’s exactly what I was missing when I was stuck in a messy affair like this with a married man. And that’s exactly why I started a support system — the Time to Thrive Tribe for women like you so that you not only feel free and confident, but also BECOME free and confident.
Opt for accountability to stay focussed
The truth is we are addictive creatures. Our minds are wired to stuff that becomes a habit. It’s nature. That’s how we are designed. But it doesn’t mean that we don’t have any power over our genetic mental makeup. That’s what differentiates us from the rest of the world. The human mind is powerful AF! We can change our lives just by changing our thoughts.
But, at the same time, our mind wants to do things that cause the least resistance.
Your relationship has become a big habit in your life and ending it may sound like the end of the world to you. But, it is not. Your relationship is just a part of your life, not your whole life. Want to test it? Let’s do it.
Imagine this – If tomorrow, your married boyfriend comes and tells you that he is ending it all because he’s realized that he loves his wife and kids more than anything else in this world, it’ll leave you shattered and all over the place. You’ll cry for a few weeks, sometimes months, but then, there will come a point where you’ll say enough is enough and you WILL eventually move on. And you WILL do OKAY. Right? Which means that losing this “part of your life” is not the end of the world and doesn’t mean that you’ve lost everything at all!
And to make this transition a smooth process, you should have a support system to lean on. You should have someone to keep you accountable so that you’re on track to design a better, thriving life.
Because, agree or not, everything you’ve ever wished for is on the other side of this relationship.
I can’t recommend it highly enough if you have left and gone back a few items this step will help you leave for good. It is excruciatingly painful to leave someone you love so it’s absolutely important to have someone to reach out to to help it less hard for you.
If you haven’t read How to stop dating a married man without actually breaking up: Part I , I highly recommend that you read PART I to fully understand yourself and how your emotions work so that you take an informed decision and make the right choice towards living a fully free life.
Questions? Drop them in the comments and I’ll answer it for you.
Kate London,
Affair Recovery Coach
Your future belongs to you!
