You’ve already tried to break up several times before. Every time you felt like you’re doing wrong by getting into an extramarital affair, you’ve wanted to break off this relationship and start afresh. But, it’s never worked because – it doesn’t work like that.

It doesn’t work until you start detaching yourself from the habit of being with your affair partner. No, I’m not asking you to stop loving your married boyfriend, already.

But if you think it’s best to end the affair at this point — for whatever reasons, here’s how you do it without getting hurt and without experiencing bottomless grief.

Start with shifting your priorities

In a relationship like thi, you’re clearly trading your love for his time. And when he’s not around you, you spend all your energy thinking about him.

Maybe,

• You spend a lot of time talking or texting on the phone
• You send long emails pouring all your emotions
• You spend time with him in person — it could be at work, on a date or even live together at times

Right now, it’s clear that he is your focus and the centre of your joy. But, deep within, even you know that this joy is just a temporary facade. Because you’re left alone, lonely and hurt more times than you’re smiling. Because you’re left accepting more apologies than love. This relationship is just the pain you’re dragging yourself through and you don’t deserve it one bit.

If you’ve realized this and want to move on for good, it may feel like a sudden massive change while he’s been the focal point in your life up until now. And it can get too hard on you. Heck, it’s already so hard. So, to make it not too painful for yourself, start with embracing life again. Like you did before you got into all this. Here are some things you could do to shift your focus to something else effortlessly:

• Get a routine – Join the gym, or join art classes. Not just art, it could be anything – music, ballet or anything that sparked joy in you and lit up your soul in the past. You’re breaking an unhealthy pattern here. Do it with strength, with an intention to help yourself out of this pain.
• Open up your life plans – What is it that you’ve always wanted to do? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What did you want to achieve? Who did you want to become? Rediscover your purpose and chase those teenage dreams. Make that unwritten wish a reality. It’s time to follow your ambitions and shine your soul again.
• Travel Solo – Take that extended holiday. Go backpacking, go find yourself, again. It’s not just about escape drills. Traveling is about acknowledging and experiencing your liberty and freedom. It’s about reminding yourself of your power and worth. It’s about having inner conversations, asking yourself what you want, connecting with who you were. It’s about replenishing and rejuvenating your mind, body and soul.
• Join a Weekly Meeting – It could be to uplevel your skills, a weekly business meeting or a supportive community. Whatever it is, choose a place you feel called to so that you’re excited to be there.

Leaving an affair is just like starting a new diet. It can be incredibly difficult and often unsuccessful. That’s why you keep getting pulled into this whole affair vortex every time you’ve wanted to break up. It doesn’t work if you deprive yourself of something. It only works if you nourish yourself with something to fill in the deprivation. Exactly like diets, it doesn’t work if you suddenly cut off all carbs, meat, dairy and sugar. You have to start with introducing more delish salads into your diet and then progressing towards eliminating the foods that are harming your body. It’s the same with your affair partner.

This is how you stop dating a married man without actually breaking up. But this is just the beginning. Getting out of toxic relationships should never be sudden. It should happen in gradual phases so that you fathom the gravity of the situation you’re in and get time to create a life you want.

Stay tuned for Part II of How to stop dating a married man without breaking up.

Questions? Drop them in the comments and I’ll answer it for you.

Kate London,
Affair Recovery Coach

Your future belongs to you!